Sunday, 22 April 2018

Exhausted now..

  Hello, welcome again to my blog, this is a pretty short post today, I just needed to get some things off my chest and hope that it makes me feel less overwhelmed today, I'm not entirely sure that it's worked but at least I'm not holding it all in anymore.   

  I just want to be alone, I don't want to talk to anyone, I don't want to do anything, I just want to sit with my thoughts for a bit, a few days of just nothing but trying to sort through the thoughts that run into and around my head. But it's so hard to be alone without coming across as I'm pushing everyone away, I just need some self healing time, I feel like I'm a burden and that I'm hurting everyone around me daily at the moment and that has a huge impact on my brain, that gives voices to the monsters inside my head and that's what I'm trying to get away from right now. Is it selfish of me to want to mend myself?

  I'm like a cat, I'm trying to lick my own wounds and heal but it seems that everyone is making that hard for me to do and depending on me, I can't even depend on myself or trust myself right now, I can't make the correct decisions, I can't even remember half of what I do or say anymore, I'm mixing my reality with actual reality... Fantasy and real life.. And it's leaving me exhausted, hazy, confused and in pain.

  I may sometimes seem like I'm fine right now, but I'm not, I'm still in this dark place, I haven't clawed my way out, I miss who I used to be, I miss how I used to be, But I can not be this person right now, I need to deal with my demons, I keep running from them, I keep hiding from them but the more I do this the bigger the explosion inside me is everytime, I need to deal with these inner demons before they take a hold of me and cause me to do things that I don't want to do.

  I just wish I could put this all in simpler forms for everyone to understand, I don't understand my own head so how could I possibly expect anyone else to understand what happens inside there, and be able to make sense of anything.

  I just wish that I would be passed over quickly for a psychiatrist.


Love to you all!
Terri =(^.^)=
xoxo

Thursday, 19 April 2018

Exotic Zoo In Telford

  G'day folks, welcome back to my blog. Today it's not all doom and gloom it is a review! Yesterday me and my best friend decided to visit the Exotic Zoo! Enjoy my lovelies. x

  So, yesterday me and my best friend decided to visit the Exotic Zoo in Telford, it's been there like a year and I haven't once been inside nor has he so we thought we'd pop a long and see what it was like.

  Upon getting there we had some confusion on the parking, and we were a bit lost having to go through the garden centre itself to get to the zoo, but trust me once you find it you'll be pleased, I guarantee.

  The pricing is great value, it's £2.50 per child and £3.50 per adult AND there's quite a few animals for you to look at. So I say this is good value for that cheap price. Currently they're building a penguin enclosure, I mean penguins are amazing, for me the only thing that would make this place the best place ever is if they got sharks as they're my favourite animal. But obviously a little hard to do as they're such big creatures.

  Upon coming in you're greeted by a friendly staff member who will take your payment to enter, in the entrance part there's some animal skeletons and fossils (which are super duper awesome to look at) When you step out into the zoo, on the left hand side to kick start your great experience you'll be greeted by these friendly and cute little chaps.
Meerkats, and yes... they have some baby Meerkats right now and they are just as adorable and fun to watch as you are thinking right now.

  The place is easy to navigate, and deceptively bigger than it looks. They have a lovely selection of animals for everyone, there's a nocturnal part where you can go and see (if your night vision is great I mean - It was a sunny day so our eyes couldn't adjust well enough) Bush baby (super cute) There's bats or bat, I could only see the one but Bats are usually pretty social creatures so I'd imagine they have more than just the one I saw, which was a biggun! There's cute little sugar gliders and a hedgehog.

  There's a section for the people who aren't afraid of snakes and spiders, they have 8 Black widows, which are super cool and a red kneed tarantula, obviously if you're not a fan of spiders like me these might freak you out even if they are behind a very thick piece of glass. My mom seems to think that this still isn't enough containment for her to go see them haha! They have beautiful snakes, there was this one, I can't quite remember the name but the scales were like a bluey green and it glistened, the snake was absolutely magnificent to look at.

  There's a super friendly miniature donkey who came over to say hello to me whilst his miniature horse pal was off on the other side of the enclosure enjoying to sun and a bit of a munch. We saw some funny little guys, armadillos, one was trying to climb up and escape and making these adorable little noises. We had a rooster with the most beautiful feathers following us around, he was a bit like a tour guide, he even saw us off as we left. 

This funny poser climber up to the top of his branch when we went round the corner so that he could still see us, Looked gorgeous and was friendly, he/she was clicking at me and tilting their head as a friendly gesture. There's some owls which were obviously sleeping when we went there because of them being nocturnal and all.

  2 ring tailed lemurs being playful in their enclosure, which if you don't know are actually on the endangered species list now (so whenever a zoo takes in animals like that to help keep them safe I must applaud them because lemurs are such beautiful creatures) There's some grumpy looking marmosets who were happy to see us.

  These little adorable things were curled up like this the whole time we were there but honestly, it was so sweet I couldn't even be upset that I didn't get to see them running around being playful.

  There is a big list of animals there, these are just a few. There's also turtles, tortoise, little tiny crocodile, a grumpy looking toad wallowing in some water, Wallaby's - yeah, there's quite a few of them cuties. Red and Silver foxes, we were only lucky enough to catch a glimpse of the silver one but maybe next time we'll be able to see the red one also.

  The staff that we encountered everywhere were all super friendly and willing to help, on our way towards the exit one of the staff members was holding a meerkat that we could greet and give a little stroke on their head, which was lovely.. They're so soft and that one in particular was so friendly to me. A couple of meerkats were sharing an enclosure with a skunk (which have adorable faces and beautiful markings) they were all taking a little nap together.


  Overall, our experience was amazing, the animals were well fed, well cared for and friendly, the staff were all friendly and happy to help with whatever we needed, the whole experience was definitely value for money. Honestly I'm waiting for the penguins to come and then I'll be visiting again (that's not to say that I might not go visit a few more times in between)

I highly recommend this to anyone in telford, it's just in Priorslee where the garden centre is, it's a fun experience for adults and children.

Love to you all!
Terri =(^.^)=
xoxo





Sunday, 15 April 2018

Not too bad.. Today.

  Hey all, welcome back to my blog, hope you enjoy the stay. Here is a general hey, this is how I'm doing etc. Enjoy.x

  So, as promised I will give you all an update on myself.

I'm not too bad, today at least. I'm still having quite a few bad days where I feel sensitive and very emotional and I feel a little out of control, but overall I'm feeling a bit better than I was feeling almost 2 weeks ago.

  Yep! That's right, I've been at my parents now for almost 2 weeks to start my recovery and guess what? I still haven't been able to get in at the doctors to sort out the much needed fucking anti depressants for my recovery (go figure right, not like it's an emergency for me since being with crisis team or anything)

  As for my recovery plan, it's as follows.
- I'm to do at least 3 hours per week of vigerous exercise (apparently it's to help boost my moods)
- I'm to socialise at least once a week with people other than the ones living at my parents.
- Start my meds (I'd have to get in at the doctors first)
- Start my talking therapy.
- Start my behavioural therapy.
- Get assessed for personality disorders by the Psychiatrist in charge of my case.
- Self love, find one thing a day that I like about myself (for that day- today I quite like my face)
- Do more stuff for me, hobby wise. SO, I've taken my drawing back up, my singing back up, photography back up... I've been a little more active on Instagram and Twitter. Facebook can suck it, that's just my platform to spread my blog and pictures of my kids and animals. And memes, we can not forget the memes.

It's a pretty healthy care plan, it's nothing too taxing on myself, I mean the socialising one might be a bit woo, because my anxiety flares up at just the mere mention of going outside and talking to people I don't talk to too often. I need to get more fresh air, because I'll get some kind of deficiency if I stay in any longer, haha.

  SO, there is my general update on my recovery, it's not going too badly, if only I could get into the damn doctors to sort my medication out, then I think it will really get rolling.

Hope I didn't bore you too much, I know some people wanted to see how my recovery was getting on, how I'm doing and feeling now. Might help someone who goes through something similar too.

Love to you all!
Terri =(^.^)=
xoxo

Saturday, 14 April 2018

Weird Place..

Hey, welcome back to my boring/emo blog where mostly dark things enter into here to hopefully go and find someone else to bother for a bit. Enjoy your stay.

  So, you know how I said that I tend to enter into dark parts, and I do this pretty frequently? Well here is a song my band did a few years ago now (unfortunately I don't have a copy of the audio - shame really it was a rock song so just try to imagine the drums and guitar in the background) So.. the lyrics haha.

Creeping, crawling, 
through the hallway of my thoughts.
I hear you, screaming, 
& I'm falling.
Fading into darkness,
screaming, and waging war
with my inner demons.

Remember, the little girl.
So full of hope,
so full of smiles.
Remember that little girl,
as I finally, Lose my mind.

Please save me, 
from myself,
this hell I live,
is something I can't control
Please save me,
from my inner demons,
as they take over every thought I have
and I'm dancing with the devil himself.

Dancing, so dangerously,
to the edge of a bridge,
the voices won't fade away,
they're trying to drag me in,
I'm drowning, I'm suffocating, 
I need you to pull me out,
before i'm sucked in.

Remember, the little girl,
Such a big heart,
so loving,
remember that little girl,
as i finally, lose my mind.

Please save me, 
from myself,
this hell I live,
is something I can't control
Please save me,
from my inner demons,
as they take over every thought I have
and I'm dancing with the devil himself.

Shaking, trembling,
the bottle is my new best friend,
I can't breath,
I can't think straight,
and you are not here.
I'm spiralling,
&the demons, are gonna take take take it all.

Remember, the little girl
She's calling you,
she's pleading for your help.
remember that little girl
as i finally, lose my mind.

Please save me, 
from myself,
this hell I live,
is something I can't control
Please save me,
from my inner demons,
as they take over every thought I have
and I'm dancing with the devil himself.

So sit tight, 
Please don't let me give in to it,
I'm chasing after you, 
I need you to fight 
I need you to make me stay,
I need to feel your loving embrace.
And please don't let me fade away.

Please save me, 
from myself,
this hell I live,
is something I can't control
Please save me,
from my inner demons,
as they take over every thought I have
and I'm dancing with the devil himself.

  Let's just throw this down the reason that the band split up really was because of me, they didn't like my lyrics in any of our songs (there were darker songs than this trust me) They didn't think it was ''cool'' that I was this little ball of fuck and nopes so inevitably went off to do their own things, I hold no resentment but if anyone plays drums, guitar, bass, keyboard hit me up and we can start a band ;) I can only do vocals I don't have the talent to play an instrument. I would really love to get back into music (rock band kinda thing) I miss singing and stuff.

I hope you enjoyed the little snippet from my past, and seriously I want to get back into my rock music and form myself a rock band again. SO PLEASE HELP ME ACHIEVE THAT GOAL. 

Love to you all.
Terri =(^.^)=
xoxo

Saturday, 7 April 2018

A Plan Is Forming...

  Hello my loves, welcome back to my chaotic mess - I know for the time being it's going to be focused in on my recovery, I apologise for this but I do feel that it could be beneficial to more than just myself, but also to other people that may be going through the same thing? I don't really know to be honest, but I hope you enjoy your stay! x

  So, it seems that a care plan is finally forming for myself now. The idea is to have me move back into my dads house temporarily whilst my treatment is sorted into exactly what it will be and till I'm stabilised. Things seem to be going forward now.

  We've discussed that maybe I should go onto anti depressants whilst receiving talking therapy, which isn't a bad shout to be honest, I think that they will work nicely together. I think I'm also going to be doing some behavioural therapy also to correct some of my bad habits and help me find better ways to cope.

  I am going to be assessed regularly for different personality disorders, because that's more than one person who thinks it sounds like I have a personality disorder... So there must be something off and funny right? Yano, for multiple people to now tell me that they think I have a personality disorder. We're just not sure which one, so I'll keep you updated on the progress of that and what they find out eventually.

  So things are looking good, however I think my permanent residence will actually be at my parents for the time being, until further notice... Honestly not sure how long that will be, so my blogs and vlogs will all come from my parents house, wow, never thought I'd be back here again. haha. Funny that...

  They're going to be keeping a close eye on my progress, my thought patterns, mood swings ect to see if they can determine why it's happening etc. I feel that this time round I will get better, I will be able to go home and I will function like a proper adult 90% of the time, not just 20% like before...

  For the first time in a long while I am feeling POSITIVE about my future, that's a really really big step for me.

Anyways, there is your update my loves.

Love to you all!
Terri =(^.^)=
xoxo

Friday, 6 April 2018

Exhausted

Hey! Welcome all, new and old. This post doesn't have a trigger warning, it's not terribly long one, it's more hey, have an update and what not. Enjoy. x

  So, as you know I've had a mental breakdown, I have actually been removed from my own home for my own safety (because I am a danger to myself), I've been placed with my parents where there's zero stress, no distractions (like children who I could emotionally damage with my mood swings) I feel more relaxed, I don't think my mood is as unstable as it was a couple of days ago.

  I'm finally getting the help that I think I probably needed a few years ago, they're super friendly and nice and they listen to everything I have to say even if what I say doesn't really make too much sense to them. It's nice.

  Yes, I miss my partner, Yes, I miss my kids, Yes, I miss my fur babies.... But I'm taking the advice, I'm taking myself out of all the stress and focusing on myself for a little bit, and I think this is positive, I don't have to be admitted into hospital, My partner and kids can still come around to my parents house and see me. I'm permitted visitors.

  We haven't actually done a proper care plan just yet, I'm actually still being assessed over the weekend, I think the plan is to try and formulate a proper care plan on the Monday. That's pretty cool with me, I've had a lot of information thrown at me over the past few days, I'm still exhausted from my mental break down (crazy that is)

  BUT, I've been eating a little better and more regularly, I've been drinking more, I've been sleeping a bit more, I'm more talkative, I've become a little more open, I'm not as withdrawn as I was the other day. I think the crisis team have already had a positive impact on my life and I would deffo recommend them to anyone who was in that kind of a bad way like me few days ago.

  They are an excellent service and everyone who works there are absolute diamonds, they've been nothing but lovely and understanding towards me. I think I'm a little positive as well because I'm being listened to, I say I don't trust myself going home and that this won't happen again so they actually place me in my parents care so people can keep an eye on me and what not.

  So, here's to getting better and taking you on my journey with me, I might do a bit of both the vlogs and blogs as my recovery process, I think it will help me learn to recover better and maybe faster? Also I think that it may help others ? Yano, to seek help when they really need it and stuff.

Okay, that's longer than I initially intended it to be haha! Hope I didn't bore you too much my loves.

Love to you all!
Terri =(^.^)=
xoxo

Tuesday, 3 April 2018

Like a Light switch. IT'S SCARY

Hey, welcome to my blog again ... today I'm going to prewarn you heavily... this is a dark post, is 100% true and no I don't particularly like to draw notice to it but I feel it will a) hopefully help me understand it better and b) prove that it can be as simple and quick as if someone has just flipped a light switch inside...

  So, as you're beginning to realise now, or at least I hope you are, I'm not quite the full ticket, I suffer pretty horribly with a range of mental health problems. Yesterday I had not just a bad day but a fucking deadly day.

  Now for people just tuning in now, with no previous knowledge, my moods switch pretty quickly, I can go from top of the world to edge of a bridge in a matter of seconds, I'm very sensitive to mood change, I have constant suicidal thoughts, irrational and I have an impulsive personality... Which is why when I'm told bad news it has to be done delicately and I'm also not allowed to be left alone for long periods of time.

  I've had some stress over the past say 7/8 months that I've been letting build up because I've been busy, I had a baby 4 months ago, I have bills to pay... 2 other kids to feed and clothe.  Well today I had a tipping point because of all the debt we are in (did I mention I have an impulsive personality and shouldn't be allowed to deal with money because of this??)

  This debt isn't in fact our fault, it' a council tax bill.. now neither of us are working because I'm not capable at the moment and I cant be left alone so my partner is basically my carer. It was a full council tax bill because for some long winded reason they weren't going to pay us housing benefit until we get sorted.

  Everything is piling up as you can imagine, I was drowning, suffocating and finding it hard to cope. I tried ringing CAB to sort it but no one was available. I tried getting the debt collectors to call off their hunting dog whilst I try and get some advice, I tried every avenue I could right then and there and came back with...Nothing.

  Nobody was available to help at that second, I was overwhelmed and couldn't breathe. I panicked, I got angry, I cried and then boom.. a switch flicked in my head and I was in that horrible place of nothingness again. I hate going there it's cold, barren and I no longer feel, I no longer think straight or rational.

  As quick as that switch flicked I began a note, I kept telling myself I'm the problem, I'm always the problem.. I should just disappear. I left with a blade, said a brief goodbye to my partner and walked to a random place. When I left that house I left with the intent of not coming home, I left with the intent that living was doing my family more harm than good.

  I cried for help, I text my best friend that I had reached my limit, I told him where I was and prayed that he would be able to get to me before I ended my life. There I said it, I had the intent to do it and if he had shown up 5 minutes later than he did I wouldn't be here to tell you how dark of a place I was in.

  It took the rest of the afternoon for me to calm down, the mood didn't alter, I'm still extremely suicidal, I'm still in this dark place drowning, I haven't been here in a while and I honestly thought I'd never return but here I am... and doctors don't seem to be making me a priority, I am legitimately a risk to my own life and no one is offering to save me, other than my best friend.

  I self harmed today, I almost took my own life today and not a soul realised this on my way to do these things. That people is scary. That is how godo my acting can really be. If someone had stopped me in the street who knew me, and knew what I was like it wouldn't of gotten that far.  I am the most scary and threatening thing in my life.

I am a danger. Just like a switch went off, I cycled through panic, depressed, angry to I've had enough now.

I hope this opens the eyes of a lot of people to what it's actually like for someome who cant control this, we're not seeking attention were crying out for help, we want to be saved even if it doesn't seem like it. And thank you to the hero that is my best friend, he can judge from a single text if I need him immediately or we can talk it out. He has saved my life more times than I can count and I bet he doesn't even realise it.

Sorry for my depressing and horrible post. I needed to get this off my chest. I needed people to know that I'm not ok even if I appear to be. So I imagine it's the same for others. Look out for little changes in people, because even as excellent actors something small will flag up that we need help.  I promise you.

Sorry again. Love to you all.
Terri =(^.^)=
Xoxo