Sunday, 22 April 2018

Exhausted now..

  Hello, welcome again to my blog, this is a pretty short post today, I just needed to get some things off my chest and hope that it makes me feel less overwhelmed today, I'm not entirely sure that it's worked but at least I'm not holding it all in anymore.   

  I just want to be alone, I don't want to talk to anyone, I don't want to do anything, I just want to sit with my thoughts for a bit, a few days of just nothing but trying to sort through the thoughts that run into and around my head. But it's so hard to be alone without coming across as I'm pushing everyone away, I just need some self healing time, I feel like I'm a burden and that I'm hurting everyone around me daily at the moment and that has a huge impact on my brain, that gives voices to the monsters inside my head and that's what I'm trying to get away from right now. Is it selfish of me to want to mend myself?

  I'm like a cat, I'm trying to lick my own wounds and heal but it seems that everyone is making that hard for me to do and depending on me, I can't even depend on myself or trust myself right now, I can't make the correct decisions, I can't even remember half of what I do or say anymore, I'm mixing my reality with actual reality... Fantasy and real life.. And it's leaving me exhausted, hazy, confused and in pain.

  I may sometimes seem like I'm fine right now, but I'm not, I'm still in this dark place, I haven't clawed my way out, I miss who I used to be, I miss how I used to be, But I can not be this person right now, I need to deal with my demons, I keep running from them, I keep hiding from them but the more I do this the bigger the explosion inside me is everytime, I need to deal with these inner demons before they take a hold of me and cause me to do things that I don't want to do.

  I just wish I could put this all in simpler forms for everyone to understand, I don't understand my own head so how could I possibly expect anyone else to understand what happens inside there, and be able to make sense of anything.

  I just wish that I would be passed over quickly for a psychiatrist.


Love to you all!
Terri =(^.^)=
xoxo

Thursday, 19 April 2018

Exotic Zoo In Telford

  G'day folks, welcome back to my blog. Today it's not all doom and gloom it is a review! Yesterday me and my best friend decided to visit the Exotic Zoo! Enjoy my lovelies. x

  So, yesterday me and my best friend decided to visit the Exotic Zoo in Telford, it's been there like a year and I haven't once been inside nor has he so we thought we'd pop a long and see what it was like.

  Upon getting there we had some confusion on the parking, and we were a bit lost having to go through the garden centre itself to get to the zoo, but trust me once you find it you'll be pleased, I guarantee.

  The pricing is great value, it's £2.50 per child and £3.50 per adult AND there's quite a few animals for you to look at. So I say this is good value for that cheap price. Currently they're building a penguin enclosure, I mean penguins are amazing, for me the only thing that would make this place the best place ever is if they got sharks as they're my favourite animal. But obviously a little hard to do as they're such big creatures.

  Upon coming in you're greeted by a friendly staff member who will take your payment to enter, in the entrance part there's some animal skeletons and fossils (which are super duper awesome to look at) When you step out into the zoo, on the left hand side to kick start your great experience you'll be greeted by these friendly and cute little chaps.
Meerkats, and yes... they have some baby Meerkats right now and they are just as adorable and fun to watch as you are thinking right now.

  The place is easy to navigate, and deceptively bigger than it looks. They have a lovely selection of animals for everyone, there's a nocturnal part where you can go and see (if your night vision is great I mean - It was a sunny day so our eyes couldn't adjust well enough) Bush baby (super cute) There's bats or bat, I could only see the one but Bats are usually pretty social creatures so I'd imagine they have more than just the one I saw, which was a biggun! There's cute little sugar gliders and a hedgehog.

  There's a section for the people who aren't afraid of snakes and spiders, they have 8 Black widows, which are super cool and a red kneed tarantula, obviously if you're not a fan of spiders like me these might freak you out even if they are behind a very thick piece of glass. My mom seems to think that this still isn't enough containment for her to go see them haha! They have beautiful snakes, there was this one, I can't quite remember the name but the scales were like a bluey green and it glistened, the snake was absolutely magnificent to look at.

  There's a super friendly miniature donkey who came over to say hello to me whilst his miniature horse pal was off on the other side of the enclosure enjoying to sun and a bit of a munch. We saw some funny little guys, armadillos, one was trying to climb up and escape and making these adorable little noises. We had a rooster with the most beautiful feathers following us around, he was a bit like a tour guide, he even saw us off as we left. 

This funny poser climber up to the top of his branch when we went round the corner so that he could still see us, Looked gorgeous and was friendly, he/she was clicking at me and tilting their head as a friendly gesture. There's some owls which were obviously sleeping when we went there because of them being nocturnal and all.

  2 ring tailed lemurs being playful in their enclosure, which if you don't know are actually on the endangered species list now (so whenever a zoo takes in animals like that to help keep them safe I must applaud them because lemurs are such beautiful creatures) There's some grumpy looking marmosets who were happy to see us.

  These little adorable things were curled up like this the whole time we were there but honestly, it was so sweet I couldn't even be upset that I didn't get to see them running around being playful.

  There is a big list of animals there, these are just a few. There's also turtles, tortoise, little tiny crocodile, a grumpy looking toad wallowing in some water, Wallaby's - yeah, there's quite a few of them cuties. Red and Silver foxes, we were only lucky enough to catch a glimpse of the silver one but maybe next time we'll be able to see the red one also.

  The staff that we encountered everywhere were all super friendly and willing to help, on our way towards the exit one of the staff members was holding a meerkat that we could greet and give a little stroke on their head, which was lovely.. They're so soft and that one in particular was so friendly to me. A couple of meerkats were sharing an enclosure with a skunk (which have adorable faces and beautiful markings) they were all taking a little nap together.


  Overall, our experience was amazing, the animals were well fed, well cared for and friendly, the staff were all friendly and happy to help with whatever we needed, the whole experience was definitely value for money. Honestly I'm waiting for the penguins to come and then I'll be visiting again (that's not to say that I might not go visit a few more times in between)

I highly recommend this to anyone in telford, it's just in Priorslee where the garden centre is, it's a fun experience for adults and children.

Love to you all!
Terri =(^.^)=
xoxo





Sunday, 15 April 2018

Not too bad.. Today.

  Hey all, welcome back to my blog, hope you enjoy the stay. Here is a general hey, this is how I'm doing etc. Enjoy.x

  So, as promised I will give you all an update on myself.

I'm not too bad, today at least. I'm still having quite a few bad days where I feel sensitive and very emotional and I feel a little out of control, but overall I'm feeling a bit better than I was feeling almost 2 weeks ago.

  Yep! That's right, I've been at my parents now for almost 2 weeks to start my recovery and guess what? I still haven't been able to get in at the doctors to sort out the much needed fucking anti depressants for my recovery (go figure right, not like it's an emergency for me since being with crisis team or anything)

  As for my recovery plan, it's as follows.
- I'm to do at least 3 hours per week of vigerous exercise (apparently it's to help boost my moods)
- I'm to socialise at least once a week with people other than the ones living at my parents.
- Start my meds (I'd have to get in at the doctors first)
- Start my talking therapy.
- Start my behavioural therapy.
- Get assessed for personality disorders by the Psychiatrist in charge of my case.
- Self love, find one thing a day that I like about myself (for that day- today I quite like my face)
- Do more stuff for me, hobby wise. SO, I've taken my drawing back up, my singing back up, photography back up... I've been a little more active on Instagram and Twitter. Facebook can suck it, that's just my platform to spread my blog and pictures of my kids and animals. And memes, we can not forget the memes.

It's a pretty healthy care plan, it's nothing too taxing on myself, I mean the socialising one might be a bit woo, because my anxiety flares up at just the mere mention of going outside and talking to people I don't talk to too often. I need to get more fresh air, because I'll get some kind of deficiency if I stay in any longer, haha.

  SO, there is my general update on my recovery, it's not going too badly, if only I could get into the damn doctors to sort my medication out, then I think it will really get rolling.

Hope I didn't bore you too much, I know some people wanted to see how my recovery was getting on, how I'm doing and feeling now. Might help someone who goes through something similar too.

Love to you all!
Terri =(^.^)=
xoxo

Saturday, 14 April 2018

Weird Place..

Hey, welcome back to my boring/emo blog where mostly dark things enter into here to hopefully go and find someone else to bother for a bit. Enjoy your stay.

  So, you know how I said that I tend to enter into dark parts, and I do this pretty frequently? Well here is a song my band did a few years ago now (unfortunately I don't have a copy of the audio - shame really it was a rock song so just try to imagine the drums and guitar in the background) So.. the lyrics haha.

Creeping, crawling, 
through the hallway of my thoughts.
I hear you, screaming, 
& I'm falling.
Fading into darkness,
screaming, and waging war
with my inner demons.

Remember, the little girl.
So full of hope,
so full of smiles.
Remember that little girl,
as I finally, Lose my mind.

Please save me, 
from myself,
this hell I live,
is something I can't control
Please save me,
from my inner demons,
as they take over every thought I have
and I'm dancing with the devil himself.

Dancing, so dangerously,
to the edge of a bridge,
the voices won't fade away,
they're trying to drag me in,
I'm drowning, I'm suffocating, 
I need you to pull me out,
before i'm sucked in.

Remember, the little girl,
Such a big heart,
so loving,
remember that little girl,
as i finally, lose my mind.

Please save me, 
from myself,
this hell I live,
is something I can't control
Please save me,
from my inner demons,
as they take over every thought I have
and I'm dancing with the devil himself.

Shaking, trembling,
the bottle is my new best friend,
I can't breath,
I can't think straight,
and you are not here.
I'm spiralling,
&the demons, are gonna take take take it all.

Remember, the little girl
She's calling you,
she's pleading for your help.
remember that little girl
as i finally, lose my mind.

Please save me, 
from myself,
this hell I live,
is something I can't control
Please save me,
from my inner demons,
as they take over every thought I have
and I'm dancing with the devil himself.

So sit tight, 
Please don't let me give in to it,
I'm chasing after you, 
I need you to fight 
I need you to make me stay,
I need to feel your loving embrace.
And please don't let me fade away.

Please save me, 
from myself,
this hell I live,
is something I can't control
Please save me,
from my inner demons,
as they take over every thought I have
and I'm dancing with the devil himself.

  Let's just throw this down the reason that the band split up really was because of me, they didn't like my lyrics in any of our songs (there were darker songs than this trust me) They didn't think it was ''cool'' that I was this little ball of fuck and nopes so inevitably went off to do their own things, I hold no resentment but if anyone plays drums, guitar, bass, keyboard hit me up and we can start a band ;) I can only do vocals I don't have the talent to play an instrument. I would really love to get back into music (rock band kinda thing) I miss singing and stuff.

I hope you enjoyed the little snippet from my past, and seriously I want to get back into my rock music and form myself a rock band again. SO PLEASE HELP ME ACHIEVE THAT GOAL. 

Love to you all.
Terri =(^.^)=
xoxo

Saturday, 7 April 2018

A Plan Is Forming...

  Hello my loves, welcome back to my chaotic mess - I know for the time being it's going to be focused in on my recovery, I apologise for this but I do feel that it could be beneficial to more than just myself, but also to other people that may be going through the same thing? I don't really know to be honest, but I hope you enjoy your stay! x

  So, it seems that a care plan is finally forming for myself now. The idea is to have me move back into my dads house temporarily whilst my treatment is sorted into exactly what it will be and till I'm stabilised. Things seem to be going forward now.

  We've discussed that maybe I should go onto anti depressants whilst receiving talking therapy, which isn't a bad shout to be honest, I think that they will work nicely together. I think I'm also going to be doing some behavioural therapy also to correct some of my bad habits and help me find better ways to cope.

  I am going to be assessed regularly for different personality disorders, because that's more than one person who thinks it sounds like I have a personality disorder... So there must be something off and funny right? Yano, for multiple people to now tell me that they think I have a personality disorder. We're just not sure which one, so I'll keep you updated on the progress of that and what they find out eventually.

  So things are looking good, however I think my permanent residence will actually be at my parents for the time being, until further notice... Honestly not sure how long that will be, so my blogs and vlogs will all come from my parents house, wow, never thought I'd be back here again. haha. Funny that...

  They're going to be keeping a close eye on my progress, my thought patterns, mood swings ect to see if they can determine why it's happening etc. I feel that this time round I will get better, I will be able to go home and I will function like a proper adult 90% of the time, not just 20% like before...

  For the first time in a long while I am feeling POSITIVE about my future, that's a really really big step for me.

Anyways, there is your update my loves.

Love to you all!
Terri =(^.^)=
xoxo

Friday, 6 April 2018

Exhausted

Hey! Welcome all, new and old. This post doesn't have a trigger warning, it's not terribly long one, it's more hey, have an update and what not. Enjoy. x

  So, as you know I've had a mental breakdown, I have actually been removed from my own home for my own safety (because I am a danger to myself), I've been placed with my parents where there's zero stress, no distractions (like children who I could emotionally damage with my mood swings) I feel more relaxed, I don't think my mood is as unstable as it was a couple of days ago.

  I'm finally getting the help that I think I probably needed a few years ago, they're super friendly and nice and they listen to everything I have to say even if what I say doesn't really make too much sense to them. It's nice.

  Yes, I miss my partner, Yes, I miss my kids, Yes, I miss my fur babies.... But I'm taking the advice, I'm taking myself out of all the stress and focusing on myself for a little bit, and I think this is positive, I don't have to be admitted into hospital, My partner and kids can still come around to my parents house and see me. I'm permitted visitors.

  We haven't actually done a proper care plan just yet, I'm actually still being assessed over the weekend, I think the plan is to try and formulate a proper care plan on the Monday. That's pretty cool with me, I've had a lot of information thrown at me over the past few days, I'm still exhausted from my mental break down (crazy that is)

  BUT, I've been eating a little better and more regularly, I've been drinking more, I've been sleeping a bit more, I'm more talkative, I've become a little more open, I'm not as withdrawn as I was the other day. I think the crisis team have already had a positive impact on my life and I would deffo recommend them to anyone who was in that kind of a bad way like me few days ago.

  They are an excellent service and everyone who works there are absolute diamonds, they've been nothing but lovely and understanding towards me. I think I'm a little positive as well because I'm being listened to, I say I don't trust myself going home and that this won't happen again so they actually place me in my parents care so people can keep an eye on me and what not.

  So, here's to getting better and taking you on my journey with me, I might do a bit of both the vlogs and blogs as my recovery process, I think it will help me learn to recover better and maybe faster? Also I think that it may help others ? Yano, to seek help when they really need it and stuff.

Okay, that's longer than I initially intended it to be haha! Hope I didn't bore you too much my loves.

Love to you all!
Terri =(^.^)=
xoxo

Tuesday, 3 April 2018

Like a Light switch. IT'S SCARY

Hey, welcome to my blog again ... today I'm going to prewarn you heavily... this is a dark post, is 100% true and no I don't particularly like to draw notice to it but I feel it will a) hopefully help me understand it better and b) prove that it can be as simple and quick as if someone has just flipped a light switch inside...

  So, as you're beginning to realise now, or at least I hope you are, I'm not quite the full ticket, I suffer pretty horribly with a range of mental health problems. Yesterday I had not just a bad day but a fucking deadly day.

  Now for people just tuning in now, with no previous knowledge, my moods switch pretty quickly, I can go from top of the world to edge of a bridge in a matter of seconds, I'm very sensitive to mood change, I have constant suicidal thoughts, irrational and I have an impulsive personality... Which is why when I'm told bad news it has to be done delicately and I'm also not allowed to be left alone for long periods of time.

  I've had some stress over the past say 7/8 months that I've been letting build up because I've been busy, I had a baby 4 months ago, I have bills to pay... 2 other kids to feed and clothe.  Well today I had a tipping point because of all the debt we are in (did I mention I have an impulsive personality and shouldn't be allowed to deal with money because of this??)

  This debt isn't in fact our fault, it' a council tax bill.. now neither of us are working because I'm not capable at the moment and I cant be left alone so my partner is basically my carer. It was a full council tax bill because for some long winded reason they weren't going to pay us housing benefit until we get sorted.

  Everything is piling up as you can imagine, I was drowning, suffocating and finding it hard to cope. I tried ringing CAB to sort it but no one was available. I tried getting the debt collectors to call off their hunting dog whilst I try and get some advice, I tried every avenue I could right then and there and came back with...Nothing.

  Nobody was available to help at that second, I was overwhelmed and couldn't breathe. I panicked, I got angry, I cried and then boom.. a switch flicked in my head and I was in that horrible place of nothingness again. I hate going there it's cold, barren and I no longer feel, I no longer think straight or rational.

  As quick as that switch flicked I began a note, I kept telling myself I'm the problem, I'm always the problem.. I should just disappear. I left with a blade, said a brief goodbye to my partner and walked to a random place. When I left that house I left with the intent of not coming home, I left with the intent that living was doing my family more harm than good.

  I cried for help, I text my best friend that I had reached my limit, I told him where I was and prayed that he would be able to get to me before I ended my life. There I said it, I had the intent to do it and if he had shown up 5 minutes later than he did I wouldn't be here to tell you how dark of a place I was in.

  It took the rest of the afternoon for me to calm down, the mood didn't alter, I'm still extremely suicidal, I'm still in this dark place drowning, I haven't been here in a while and I honestly thought I'd never return but here I am... and doctors don't seem to be making me a priority, I am legitimately a risk to my own life and no one is offering to save me, other than my best friend.

  I self harmed today, I almost took my own life today and not a soul realised this on my way to do these things. That people is scary. That is how godo my acting can really be. If someone had stopped me in the street who knew me, and knew what I was like it wouldn't of gotten that far.  I am the most scary and threatening thing in my life.

I am a danger. Just like a switch went off, I cycled through panic, depressed, angry to I've had enough now.

I hope this opens the eyes of a lot of people to what it's actually like for someome who cant control this, we're not seeking attention were crying out for help, we want to be saved even if it doesn't seem like it. And thank you to the hero that is my best friend, he can judge from a single text if I need him immediately or we can talk it out. He has saved my life more times than I can count and I bet he doesn't even realise it.

Sorry for my depressing and horrible post. I needed to get this off my chest. I needed people to know that I'm not ok even if I appear to be. So I imagine it's the same for others. Look out for little changes in people, because even as excellent actors something small will flag up that we need help.  I promise you.

Sorry again. Love to you all.
Terri =(^.^)=
Xoxo

Monday, 2 April 2018

Little on the dark side..

Hey, welcome back to my blog. Enjoy your stay, this post is a little on the darker side (Sorry if this may or may not trigger some people) Read at your own will. And remember I'm always a listening ear when you fear that everyone else has abandoned you in darkness.

  And so we find ourselves again, trapped in this nothingness. This is our reality now, there is no escape from ourselves and it's terrifying.. It's lonely, it's cold and it's barren. All we wish for is for someone to reach out to us, to pull us out of this nightmare, but everyone just stares on clueless that we're suffocating in our own lives and minds... If only we could pluck up the courage to even utter two words of this hell then maybe someone would save us. So we just muddle through, we just carry on, silently screaming, pleading for a way out, and when it becomes too much for us to handle, we find our way out of this constant cycle of hell. Then we fade into nothingness, like where we've been trapped our whole lives, with not a soul to even forget us.

  Every breathe that I take is like torture, I know that people have it worse off than myself, I know that the world isn't falling apart but to me, the world has already begun falling away and has been for years. We're constantly told not to show our weaknesses because our enemies can smell it, but what's wrong with being weak every now and again so that someone else can help share the burdon occassionally? What's so wrong about wanting a break from this insanity? So it's drilled into us and we carry on like nothing is wrong, because if something is wrong then that's a burdon for someone else and they don't have time for that.. They don't have time for us.

  That's when the thoughts begin, the thoughts of something easier, something simpler, something less painful than what you're feeling in this very second. That's when you begin to question everyone's kindness, what do they gain from being kind to someone like me? I'm now debted to you for that kindness, I'll never be able to pay it back, I'll never feel right until I do either. Another cycle begins of self loathing, of self hatred, of banished self confidence.

  You don't understand why you are this way, you don't understand why you're wired to second guess everything and even yourself, you just do these things and feel crap about them after. You live your life in a cycle of hurting inside and never asking for help, you have violent thoughts, disturbed thoughts but you brush it to the side because, people have it worse off than yourself and you're just being silly.

  Fast forward a few years, you've found a way to cope, you have found your crutch. It might be drinking, it might be drugs, it might be self harming, maybe even smoking, but hopefully it's something healthy like drawing or singing to get you through the day. For a lot of us though, it's something damaging, but we can't help it, we need it in order to survive this hell that's getting worse day by day. But we still won't cry wolf, we'll still hold it in because let's face it, someone has it worse than us. Right?

  You, reading this now, you feel like I'm writing about you don't you? I'm writing about us all, how we feel and what we go through. It's not too late to reach out, it's not too late to ask for help, don't ever be afraid to ask for help because if you don't ask for help then one day, you might no longer be able to ask for that help that you so desperately need.

  So I want to ask all of my readers, I don't care how well we know one another, if you ever feel like this, if you ever feel alone. I'm here. I'm listening. I'm your help, whenever, wherever. I'm here for you.

  I've been there, I've been that person spiralling out of control, withdrawn, writing my final goodbye's and making my peace before leaving, I've been that girl huddled in a corner crying uncontrollably, self harming, drinking and smoking my problems away, I've been alone, isolated and out of touch with the world... All it took was for one person to help me out of that hole and to constantly remind me daily that I'm needed, I'm appreciated, I'm special and that I'm loved no matter what.

  So let me say the same to you guys, You are loved, you are special, you're needed, you're appreciated, Let me be that hand in the darkness, I've become an expert at escaping that hole now, I will be your lifeline. Don't ever disappear from this world. I love you.

Love to you all! 
Please visit again!
Terri =(^.^)=
xoxo

You're either Disney or you ain't

  Hey again, welcome back. I really appreciate all the love you guys show me over on here, twitter and facebook. It really means a lot that someone else is willing to listen to my ramblings, I mean, my partner pretty much signed himself up for them so he doesn't get a choice, at least this way I'm not laying it all out on him! Enjoy your stay, Like, Follow and share if you would, I would really REALLY appreciate it. Thanks. x

  Everyone that I have met has either been a Disney fan or they can't stand it, I've never met a person who is in between on the argument. So question is, are you Disney?

  I'm not talking about just the recent stuff after they just outright bought everything and became even more awesome, I mean are you Disney in general? Right down to Cinderella and Beauty and the Beast.

  My partner can't stand Disney films, the kids of course love Disney films and I'm quite happy to sit all day in our jimmy jams watching them all day. I sing a long, sometimes we dance to, my partner just tutts and sighs and looks like a grumpy old man. Why?!

  Disney films are amazing, they're light hearted, they have catchy tunes, they're colourful and bright. They appeal to so many people so why is it that some people just can't stand them? I don't understand the pure hatred some people have for Disney films, like they're a scourge on the earth or something.

So, What's your favourite Disney film? Hard to decide isn't it? How about we work it this way, what are your top 10 Disney films that you have no problem watching time and time again, even if you only saw it 2 days ago? Here's mine below, not in any particular order, because I can never decide which I like more.

1. Beauty and the Beast
2. The Aristocats
3. Mulan
4. Hercules
5. Bambi
6. The Fox and the Hound
7. Alice In Wonderland
8. The Little Mermaid
9. The Jungle Book
10. Dumbo

  Now I haven't placed them in an order, I just really love these 10 Disney films. I love the stories, the songs, they just always make me smile when I'm down.

  So, are you a Disney fan? Why don't you leave me a comment with what your top 10 Disney films are and see if we have any in common! (This whole post was written whilst watching Mulan - Mushu is so funny)

Please come back again soon! Don't forget to Like,Follow,Share and Comment of course. Share the Love! 

Love to you all! 
Terri =(^.^)=
xoxo

Sunday, 1 April 2018

Monthly Howdya Do.

  I want to start doing a monthly blog, sort of.. My motivational thing. Hopefully I get to meet many more bloggers this month, and gain more people liking my blog so we can all share the love! Enjoy.



  Goals Of The Month

  I want to grow my blog, make it appeal to more people. I wish to meet more bloggers, read more blogs and share the love a bit more over here, facebook and twitter. I want to come out of my shell a little more, stop being this hermit that sits in and plays games. I want to do more fun things with the kids and share with you guys our adventures with pictures and what we've done. And I really want to make a start on my back garden this month.... It's horrible, there's brambles everywhere and at this point I think it would be better to burn it all to the ground and start from scratch haha!  

  Next month I hope that I can add more to this blog post, like other bloggers that I like, my favourite things that particular month etc. Stuff like that.

  So I hope you all come back for the monthly motivation posts, which will get more interesting and better laid out. Next month I hope to share an awesome adventure with you all!

Love to you All.
Terri =(^.^)=
xoxo

Cats are right assholes

 Hey! Welcome once again to the rambles of someone who probably shouldn't be allowed to speak so freely on the internet, I hope you enjoy your stay and like, share and follow.


  So I'll get right to the point and outright say it. Cats are fucking assholes. I have 3 beautiful ladies, Cupcake, Luna and Gizmo. They're adorable little things, but they're downright sent straight from the devil himself. 
  
  Gizmo is the tabby and white one, Luna is the mostly black one and Cupcake is the mostly white one. Now as you look at them you're probably sat there going "Aww, they're adorable I could never get or be mad at them" But their looks are deceiving. 

  3am, Luna and Gizmo decide it's time to chase each other around the house, and you can guarantee that everything they touch will be knocked over on to the floor and will make the most noise in the bloody world.

  Cupcake went through a phase of cleaning herself so much, she was pulling the fur out and creating these sores, she looked horrible... Thankfully with a diet change and constantly stopping her from doing it she has finally stopped and looks like a pretty lady of the house again.

  Now all 3 of them have an obsession, I don't know if it's the sound it makes or just because they think it's funny to see me get mad at them... But they all have the obsession with knocking shit on the floor, ESPECIALLY my plates and cups. 

  Countless cute mugs have been broken, countless plates have been broken and what for? FOR THEIR OWN AMUSEMENT. They're assholes. 

  And I looked it up and apparently it's not just my cats that love doing this, but all cats have this fascination with knocking shit on the floor, but why?!

  Apparently, it's to get a reaction out of the owners... Like my cats don't get enough of my attention as it is, I'm always playing with them and fussing them. Or it's down to their hardwired genetics to do with hunting, I could understand that as my cats don't go outside, as it's not really safe for them to do so where I live because I live on a main road. 

  This still doesn't give me peace when my cats are hell bent on destroying everything I own, maybe I should just buy a bunch of plastic cutlery, plates and cups... That would bloody show my little spawns of satan!!

Love to you all!
Terri =(^.^)=
xoxo


Saturday, 31 March 2018

Quirks and All.

  Hello, welcome, welcome all again. I must thank you for returning to my chaotic mess of a blog, it must baffle you sometimes to my rambles, My apologies!

  So, we're here again friends, a place of probably quick topic changing, nonsensical words and sentences that don't lead into each other, I'm sorry but my brain thinks faster than I can actually type sometimes... Which is a feat in itself since I type pretty damn quick.

  Anyone have any old habits that are practically now part of your personality and all it's little quirks? I have plenty apparently, as I'm learning from everyone now, as an attempt to make me feel better about myself I assume... Because my self esteem is either Godly or non existant.

  Certain people can tell if I'm genuinely smiling or just smiling because I think the conversation calls for it, I didn't know that people I knew could pick up the difference, I thought my acting was flawless.. Apparently I'm sorely mistaken as someone pointed out to me that I smile with my eyes when something has genuinely pleased me whereas if I don't really mean it but think I should smile at this point in conversation it doesn't quite reach my eyes... Funny that, no one has ever picked that out and told me.

  A few people can now tell the difference between my mood shifts, usually if I'm having a tremendously bad day I'm still pretty good at coming across as ok, but apparently some people can pick it out, like a gut feeling that I'm not ok really I'm just trying to not burden anyone else with my shit... So then they proceed to not leave me alone and shower me with affection and motivation and stuff, It's not a bad thing, it doesn't really help I'm afraid for all the people who do it, but thanks anyway.. It's really nice that you are trying to be that great friend who is helping me, so sorry if my mood doesn't shift the way you want it to, I literally have zero control over that.

  I have a weird habit of smiling and tilting my head to the side whilst closing my eyes, nobody usually picks up on it..... Someone the other day however picked it up and asked why I do it, I honestly don't know, I haven't a clue where it came from, I haven't always done it... It just sort of happened one day and stuck and now I can't stop myself from doing it.

  When I get excited over something my whole body tenses up, I do a squeak and I'm literally like a child, nobody picks up on this, but it was pointed out to me the other day.. Why are people picking up on my embarrassing things now... Leave them be, it's just a quirk to my personality. I am a child inside.

  When I'm having a bad day, I try to isolate myself, I don't like to interact with people, I don't like to move much, if at all.. If I have to go out for any reason at all, I try to smile and shrug the task off like the quicker it's done the quicker I can be at home being a part of the sofa zoning out, but apparently my smile is awkward as are my reactions to things... So note to self : Do not go out and try and function like a normal person whilst having a bad day... EVERYBODY can tell I'm being weird.

  I randomly start dancing, I don't care where I am, I don't care who can see, I don't care if it's inappropriate, I randomly start dad dancing... Usually I only go out with my best friend and he knows and loves all the little quirks about me, he has said without them I just wouldn't be me or as interesting, but I went out with another family member the other week and I have honestly never seen someone look so embarrassed in their lives than when I started dad dancing up an aisle of the supermarket. I'm sorry but I'm not sorry.

  Not many people notice, because I'm extremely quick about it... But sometimes when someone brushes past me when I'm out or stands a little too close to me, I cringe and my body physically convulses for a second, another thing I can't quite control.. I just really hate people touching me, whether I know them or not.. Sometimes if I know the person I'm not so bad, but strangers it's like, I don't know where you've been, what you've touched, what you have etc.

  PUBLIC TOILETS. Now I hate using them, if I can hold it till I get home I bloody well will, but if I have to use a public toilet you would think I'm going into a contagious area. I have my sleeves down, I have my shirt over my nose, I'm in and out super fast, I not only wash my hands but all up my wrists, I then pull my sleeves over my hands, open the doors with my bum if it's a push to get out.. I basically make sure I don't touch anything upon leaving, and I still then put anti bacterial gel on my hands when I'm safe and outside... There's something wrong with me I'm sure.

  My left eye lid twitches when I'm hungry, I kid you not. My left eye lid starts to twitch if I am really hungry, so you don't need to wait for me to get grumpy because I'm hungry because my eye lid will tell you.

  I'm a quirky person, this isn't even all my little quirks, I just thought I should be brief... So far these are the only ones that people have picked out and noticed, I'm hoping the rest stay unnoticed forever. Some of them are pretty embarrassing.

Love to you all!
Terri =(^.^)=
xoxo

Thursday, 29 March 2018

Guest Post From Pamie


Hey again, we’re here for another guest blog post by someone suffering various mental health problems. This will be like a good ole Q&A, so I hope you all enjoy it! Read Follow Like And Share the awareness. This week we have a lovely strong lady who I know suffers daily, Pamie. This will be the last one as we're approaching the end of the month now, I'll storm up some awesome ideas for next month... Promise. Soooo Enjoy.



1. Introduce yourself! Tell me about yourself and what you're into 😊
I’m Pamela Anne, I get called Pamie or Annie by my friends. I’m 33 years old, raised in Yorkshire and Fife with my older brother (by our parents), and a bit obsessed with sports haha. I support Aberdeen and Arsenal FC, Denver Broncos (NFL), Denver Nuggets (NBA), Colorado Avalanche (NHL) and Colorado Rockies (MLB). I also enjoy gaming on my PS4 and Xbox One, actually obsessed with the Life is Strange games, I have tattoos, many of them are in relation to my mental health and my family, other things I also enjoy are seeing friends, travelling and photography.
2. What's your mental health issue? Tell us about it
I was diagnosed with depression, I feel I also have PTSD after witnessing a traumatic event when I was in primary school. I also have health anxiety, social anxiety and panic disorder.
3. When did it start?
I was diagnosed way back in 1995, when I was just 11 years old.
4. How do you feel being diagnosed?
I feel good about having been diagnosed, because I know I’m not just being antisocial, that there is something going on which makes me feel the way I am on occasions.
5. How does it affect your every day life?
I can have good days and bad days, on my good days, I manage to go out with my friends to places like Edinburgh and eat out with them (if it’s not busy), but when I have a bad day, I just want to shut myself away from the world, play my PS4 or my Xbox and just laze the day away.
6. Do others treat you different knowing you have this illness?
I feel I get treated differently by my family who hardly see me (my aunts, uncles etc.) mainly because they cannot see how I am on a daily basis, they all just treat me as though a lot of different things is going on, but I would rather they looked at me as me because I haven’t changed, I just have something different around me, and they seem to tip toe around it. My close family and friends don’t treat me any different because they see/speak to me a lot of the time.
7. What advice would you give to someone suffering the same or similar symptoms that you wish someone had told you?
No matter what the diagnosis, you are still the same person, just limited edition.
8. Do you know of any helpful groups?
I use a website called no more panic, I have met a few people from there who have helped me in recent months. I have actually just recently completed a self-esteem group in my local area which has helped me build my confidence.
9. What are your future plans and goals?
At the moment I am attending a short course at college called Sports Link, from there I’m hoping to go further in the sports industry within the therapy area as I feel what I have been through may help those who have injuries etc.. in their rehabilitation.



Thanks for being awesome and letting us all have a little peek into the life you lead. I wish you all the luck in college and that you get to do all that you want to do. Thank you again for participating in the Mental Health Awareness Month. You’re awesome.



Thanks for reading, following and liking all a long the process of Mental Health Awareness Month people, it’s muchly appreciated. I hope you continue to follow and read about these amazing strong people and their lives.



Love to you all!
Terri =(^.^)=
xoxo

Tuesday, 27 March 2018

You got this kid!

  Hello again my lovelies, welcome back to my blog. I'm sorry I've been non existant, I've been having a bad few days, with zero energy and motivation and I've just been trying to deal with that shit. I'm sorry this will more than likely happen again, I can assure you of that. 

So, I feel that I'm always having to apologise for the way I act, things I say, things I do.. so it's common for me to utter the words "I'm sorry" at least 30+ times a day. I'm often told to stop apologising so much which will get an extra sorry out of me. It's one of my qualities that I really hate, that I'm basically just constantly apologising for absolutely everything in life. Even if it's not my fault and I know it's not my fault. People think I'm just overly polite when in actual fact I'm not, it's just a default setting and I say it without even thinking about it anymore.

  Now, the real people that I feel I will have to apologise to for the way I am and how I act for the rest of my life are my 3 children. A constant fear of mine is that 1 of them if not all of them will somewhat gain some of my mental health issues later in life, it petrifies me, I'm actually terrifyed about it and it often gives me nightmares. My partner thinks I'm being silly worrying before anything has even been confirmed, but as you may all know, I'm good at worrying so why would I quit? 

  Our eldest I'm the most concerned for, because he shows signs of aggression, not being able to handle his emotions when he used to be able to do it so well, lack of interest in a lot of things that used to interest him, periods of black outs where he hurts someone else but doesn't remember it so completely breaks down into tears. Now this kid is 5 years old, so yeah it's probably just usual kid stuff, going through changes ect but it springs red flags at me all the time because he acts how I act sometimes... I mean it could be as simple as he's just seen me do it and he has now copied it, I sincerely hope that it's just that because we can rectify that... But in my head, I've failed as a parent for not protecting him from such things like this, even though I know it's not something I can control, I feel that I have failed because I had children and potentially could of passed things on like that.

  Now I know a lot of you are probably thinking, loads of people with mental health issues have kids and everything turns out fine, and I hear you on that but it's always a fear for us parents, in the back of our mind we're always looking for signs, we're always questioning and worrying about their behaviour so that they don't suffer in silence for as long as some of us may of. It's not something we can get rid of, and yeah maybe if we were going to worry like this and question everything that maybe we should of thought it through a bit better, but a lot of us if not all of us feel like it's changed us for the better having children.

  Before I had children I had attempted suicide a total of 27 times, I self harmed every day, I had a drinking problem, and I impulsively spent all my money all the time, couldn't hold a job down (still can't now) and strived for recognition from very bad people. 
  I met my partner when I was 17, I had just come out of a very bad relationship for me, I was impulsive, I didn't think it through, but it was probably the only impulsive thing I've done in my life that was good for me. Yeah, we may of broke up a few times in between because of me, but we're together and he's made it clear that it's not happening again, he's not letting me push him away anymore. That's what I need in my life, I need the stability of someone looking me in the face whilst holding me by the shoulders shaking me, telling me that they aren't going to leave, and that I can't make them leave.

  Almost 9 years later, I have only attempted suicide twice, I have random spouts of self harming, I ha a drinking problem when I was 21/22 for a few months, I still impulsively spend, but it's not as bad as before, I can't hold a job down at the minute, paid or unpaid, I need to find the right medication to help me out I think, and I no longer strive for recognition from other people, I have 2 friends who I depend on, that's enough for me. There's no bad people in my life anymore, toxic people have been cut out, it's made me feel a little better in myself.

So, for anyone who's just been diagnosed with mental health issues, waiting on a diagnosis, let me tell you. YOU ARE AWESOME AND BRAVE AND STRONG, YOU GOT THIS. 

I wish more people told me that I'm brave, that I'm strong and that I've got this. Not, it's not the end of the world, it could be worse, and you'll get through it.. you're an adult now it will be easier.

No, it's not the end of the world, but to someone who's just been given a diagnosis like this it feels like it's the end of the world. Do you know how many people change their attitude towards you if you tell them you have a mental health issue that you have to disclose to employers? It's disheartening to have someone in an interview love you, then find out that you have a mental health problem and suddenly look at you like you're dirt on their shoe, it's an awful feeling. Yes, it could be worse, but that doesn't down play how bad it is to feel like the whole world is out to get you daily, it doesn't make you feel better knowing that it could be worse because to you at that very moment, this is the worst for you. Yes, I am an adult, and yeah, I probably will get through my bad spell, I usually do, sometimes I need help but that's fine... Just because I'm an adult doesn't mean I can handle this any better than when I was a kid, in fact... as a kid my parents made the decisions for me, I never had bills, I never had debt, I wasn't allowed to have anything that would cause debt because of my impulsive personality problem, now as an adult... There's no one making decisions for me, I have bills, I have a lot of debt because of my impulsive personality problem...

I know that the people who make these remarks mean well, but it just doesn't get delivered as well as you think to people whose world constantly feels like it's imploding. 

So, mental health suffers, Yes, it's pretty bad now, you're life may be imploding on itself right now and you have EVERY SINGLE RIGHT to feel this way, you have every right to be mad, sad, defeated... But just know, it does get better, it does get easier, you will get through this not because you're an adult, but because you are a strong, brave and awesome person and You Got This! 

Thanks for being here guys and girls.
Love to you all!

Terri =(^.^)=
xoxo 

Saturday, 24 March 2018

Guest Blogger DaddyGiraffe is here!


Hey all! Hope you’re all well. I know I said I’d post them once a week but I suddenly realised we’re coming up towards the end of the month already haha! Silly me right? So I’m going to post the mental health awareness guest posts every few days as I’ve had a couple of people forward me their stories/answers. I hope you enjoy the read, today Gareth (also known to us cool folk as daddy giraffe) has been awesome and shared his answers with us today, below I’ve left a linky to his personal blog and I hope you go across and give it a read because it’s awesome. Thanks again for coming by to read!



1. Tell me about yourself and what your into
My names Gareth I’m a daddy to 5 (3 girls and 2 boys), I enjoy watching MMA and Football also the lighter side of things by reading.
2. What's your Mental Health issue?
I have Personality Disorder which is lovely mixture of Bipolar and Schizophrenia
3. When did it start?
It started a long time ago from when I was younger but through the years it got worse to the point where I had to seek professional help, this was when I was diagnosed with Personality Disorder.
4. How do you feel about being diagnosed?
Shocked and highly pissed off at first!!
But once I was used to it and come to terms with the fact I had this condition and it could be controlled by medication and therapy then I learnt to except it.
5. How does it affect your everyday life?
It affects every aspect of my life from personal to professional.
My moods change so fast throughout the day from high to low and calm to angry that is hard to be around me personally.
I was unable to work because of this and now I am being turned down most places see this and just wont take the chance on me which is disheartening.
6. Do other people treat you differently since you have had this illness?
Personally no everyone has been very supportive so I am so lucky in that aspect but professionally and in certain places once I declare it then there attitude changes and for some reason they talk to me slower....
7. What advice would you give someone in a similar situation to you?
Don't try to hide it to yourself, talk to someone and open up it will help you in the long run.
8. Do you know of any helpful groups?
Yes I am admin on a Facebook group called Personality Disorder Awareness Family
We have people from all over the world on there and its growing fast.
I also have a Mental Health Facebook Group called Personality Disorder & Mental Health Family.
9. What are your future plans and goals?
Firstly get back into work, come off the medication and then hopefully be settled enough with my family that marriage is on the cards.






As promised below is the link to his blog, go along and give it a read, you can also follow him on twitter and facebook (same names) I think that he would really appreciate that.
http://www.daddygiraffe21.com
Thanks for giving us an insight on your mental health, I hope it was an eye opener for some people, it’s sounds kind of similar to what I have as well so maybe that’s why we get on with each other… Common ground kind of thing!

Love to you all!
Terri =(^.^)=
xoxo

Thursday, 22 March 2018

The person I am today

  Hey again, I'm back at yet another obscure hour because my 2 year old isn't feeling well still. I thought I would delve into a bit of my past, now I don't really like talking about my past, and the trauma I have had but I feel it gives you a better understanding of why I'm the way I am right now ... this day. I haven' suffered as horribly as other people but to me I've suffered enough that I feel it accounts to some of my personality so here we go... back to the past again!

  I've always been a pretty timid child, large crowds have always scared me amd I've never really spoke much, so I can kinda understand why I have always been the target for bullying and only recently have I realised it was never MY fault but theirs.

  I was picked on milday from year 3/4 in school, the usual kind of name calling and oh don't play with her... childish bullying. When I got to secondary school I was under this false illusion that it would change and I'd make friends and have a good time whilst excelling in school. The first year of secondary school I unfortunately had to take some time off school because a close friend of mine, in fact the only friend I had then committed suicide after his parents got divorced. I won' delve fully into that as it gives me nightmares and I've never recovered and the thought makes me sick, put it this way, I witnessed his dead body and it was not something an 11/12 year old should of ever had to witness.

  Anyway I got back to school and naturally I wasn't just the same quiet person, I was now feeling depressed and not sleeping well. So I would nap at school as well. The bullying commenced again but a little more hurtful, I was already in a delicate emotional place as it was. It died down a bit and then I made some friends ... or that is what I thought. These new friends were now picking on me and I couldn't understand why or what I had done to upset them so much that they'd pick on me. So I distanced myself a little, they'd say let's hang out and then ditch me up town where I would often go to the toilets and sit with my fit up on the seat crying to myself asking what I had done. I stopped talking to anyone,  I stopped making new friends... I closed myself off to everyone at school and even to everyone at home. The bullying escalated and escalaTed to the point of physical violence, one boy punched me in the face to which I walked out of school and went home... to which the school then punished me for. I was tormented daily at school and when I got home from school on the Internet.  I just didn' know what was wrong with me that everyone laughed as I was this pitiful person who nobody wanted to help.

  I'd had enough, I made several attempts on my life and was self harming more than once a day. My parents had finally had enough and got me to see a psychiatrist for my issues. I was in a horrible place and it was like no one wanted to help me. Nobody cared about me. No one at school cared that I was failing most subjects, that I dreaded being there and that I was suffering so bad. They didn't care that I'd made attempts on my life, that I'd run away from home.

  Now this is a very touchy subject for me, I usually leave it at I was harshly bullied in school and leave it at that but I thought I'd go into a little more detail and even though talking about it brings up bad memories and feelings and cripples me I feel that this has mainly contributed to who I am today.

  I have trust issues, I cringe when people say they like me, I can't accept that someone wants to genuinely be my friend and hang out with me. I'm scared to go outside. Physical violence terrifyes me. Compliments make me uncomfortable. People who are legit supposed to be there to support you, but I can't trust they will actually help me if and when I need it. Me personally, I feel that if I hadnt been bullied o that extent, if I hadn't witnessed horrific things or had bad things done to my young body.. I feel I wouldn't be as messed up as I am today.

  I'm gonna go cry into a tub of ice cream whilst cursing out all the bad poisonous people that have ever been in my life now.

Love to you all!
Terri =(^.^)=
xoxo

Wednesday, 21 March 2018

HERE MY BEAUTIES HAVE ANOTHER!

  Hello! Welcome back! 3rd time today right? Welcome all the same. We're going to play a little bit of get to know the person behind that weird awkward smile! 


I have prepared some things for just this post!

- Why is half my face missing I hear you ask yourself? Because I hate looking at my face, can just about stomach half of it.
- Favourite colour? Lilac (I must be that special snowflake)
- Favourite Music? Kpop, all day and every day!
- Favourite movie genre? Horror, more specifically Zombies.
- Favourite Food? Pizza, spicy Pizza.. ALL THE PIZZA NOW.
- Favourite animal? Shark, not picky, I love sharks they're majestic and beautiful creatures. 
- Favourite thing to do? Meme collection, I am the meme collector, I have one for all occassions. I actually have folders on my phone, spider man memes, kpop memes, game memes etc. I'm obsessed. 

  So some basic stuff that probably got skipped over till the meme section and now there is a guy sat there thinking "Jesus, she is more obsessed than me!" It's cool, I should of been born a guy anyway.

  Now, a little more about me.. I know I'm so obsessed with myself aren't I? 


  Hello, I am Terri. I've just turned 26, I'm engaged to be married when I can be bothered to save the money to the man I've spent almost 9 years of my life with. Long ass time for someone who's 2 screws away from rocking in a corner singing lullabies to my pet woodlouse right? We have 3 kickass little dudes together and 4 semi ok furry kids. We have our eldest, Lucas who's 6 this year. Theo who just turned 2, and little baby Ezra who's almost 4 months old, I know I'm doing alright here aren't I, 3 sons, close in age.. Teenage years are going to be feckin hilariously fun right... [sobs internally] Then we have our big soft daft brush of a dog, Bren. He's a collie crossed with a german shepherd who thinks he's a lap dog and is the goodest boy.. Just ask him. Then we have our 3 felines, Cupcake, Luna and Gizmo. The ladies that run the house really.
 
  This is the house dynamic, it's pretty busy in this house.. especially from the hours of 11pm - 4am when the ladies of the house decide this is excellent cup breaking hours and running around like they're on crack. 

  I am the kind of person who will sit up until 6am playing video games or watching stupid videos on the interwebs and then sleep for 30 minutes before getting up to get the eldest ready and fed for school and take him off to school, then I will spend the day playing dinosaurs with our 2 year old whilst also playing endless games of peekaboo and napping at some point in the day with our 2 year old (please don't give up those naps anytime soon, I will not survive) I'm slack on housework, I hate doing it, I love having a clean, tidy house where everything is in it's place but apparently I am the only one who likes the house that way since I'm the only one who picks up after myself.
  I watch a lot of Kdrama and Jdrama, listen to only kpop (I haven't a clue what the most recent mainstream music is) I read a lot and write fanfics. I play dating sims on my phone (because I'm a loser) I am the homework master, at the moment he only gets english homework and I love english.  I write my own stories (but never finish them because I get writers block, come back several months later and hate everything that I wrote) 
  I practically live off of snack food, coffee and monster energy drinks (I never said my regular health was any better) And hyperventerlate in the back of taxi's when they try and converse with me or make eye contact. 

  Known for making stupid noises really loudly in public, dancing in public, randomly exercising wherever I am, conversing with cute doggos, befriending cats and playing rock paper scissors with kids on the bus. Also I post a lot of animal videos, post memes daily and laugh at my own jokes (someone's gotta right?) Have regular contests in public with my best friend oh who can be the creepiest and weirdest out of the two of us, I usually win, he's just not willing to go as far as me. Regular tell people to ''Fight me, you little bitch'' and use loving words to call my partner like "dick" 

Well who feels like they know more about me? Now who's thinking she's a dick, let's leave before she notices? I won't be offended, you gotta be able to have control over your feelings to feel at will. 

Good night my friends! 

Terri =(^.^)=
xoxo
  

Guest Blogger Jenny HAS ARRIVED!


Hey everyone and welcome back!

I’m going to do my mental health post a day early this week. This here is Jenny, who I keep trying to tell is a very VERY brave and strong lady who I admire greatly. I know I don’t take compliments and words of wisdom too well but I hope she reads this and understands what an amazing woman she is, and coming forward and speaking as much as she has about what she goes through is amazing, I love her honesty here and it honestly made me want to fight whoever caused so much pain for her. So instead of the usual Q&A she has been an absolute diamond and answered the questions… But so that it’s more of a story coming straight from her mouth. Give it a read and enjoy! x


  Hey there! My name is Jenny Jumratie, I am 22 and currently living with my boyfriend and his parents. I am really into marvel and I LOVE books, I love to read and I am actually an author to a book I wrote (Forever & Always) a few years ago for Stand Up 2 Cancer UK. I wrote it in a month and managed to raise £380 which is still to this day my proudest achievement. I other wise really struggle to describe myself, mostly because of what I am going through and how lost I feel.
I can’t go into my whole back story because unfortunately still to this day there is some stuff that I’m still working through. I am sure you can appreciate where I am coming from.
I’m going to give you the list I have been given by my doctors and what I actually feel I have.

- Severe PTSD,

  Severe depression and anxiety disorder I got diagnosed when I was 16/17 but believe it actually started way before. Years on and off many different antidepressants and many attempts on my life and self harm scars covering my arms, I can’t really say how I felt being diagnosed with them because until last year I was really confused.

  I wouldn’t say it has affected my life until the other factors, which I will go on to talk about came back into my life. I still managed to hold down a job no matter how bad I felt and still continued to support my friends through what they were going through.

  Until last year in September/October my seizures started rather explosively and I spent the better part of the month literally out of it. Eventually I was diagnosed with non epileptic seizure disorder, they believe it was a psychological issue and it was my body’s way of trying to make me remember something I had been blocking out for most of my life. Sounds strange doesn’t it? Suddenly the job I was managing to hold down I no longer could, the friends started disappearing as soon as things got rough. I then was having to deal with my declining mental health and I actually attempted suicide. To this day if it wasn’t for my boyfriend walking into our room when he did, I wouldn’t be here typing to you now.

  I know what you are probably thinking… What is that event or what did I try to block? I can’t really go into what I’m about to tell you because I’m still working through it and don’t really understand or have come to accept, but from the ages of 6 till November 2016 I was sexually and emotionally abused by two different, but at the time very important, well so I thought people in my life.

  Flash backs have been a constant for me for the past 6 months and I have only just managed to slow down, the seizures are still happening, in fact, I had a few this morning and as a result of everything? Welcome my PTSD.

  Now this was weird for me when I got diagnosed because I truly believed that PTSD is what happens when you have been in the army or something similar. I would never call myself an average person but I didn’t think someone like me would ever get it. It’s gotten to the point for me now where I really struggle leaving the house and I am just working on a routine, but every day is a different struggle. I don’t really have that much of a life now, but it’s something I understand is going to take a while to rebuild.

  I’m seeing a psychiatrist soon so keep your fingers crossed for me. I do believe people treat me a lot more different now to when I just had depression and anxiety, at first I believed them when they said that I was too hard to handle and actually that it was my fault but I don’t know. Someone who used to be my best friend for the best part of 7/8 years, someone who I over and over again stated that she was my sister and nothing less now barley speaks to me. Towards the end of our friendship she was constantly getting me to apologise for letting her down, or failing her trust when the reality is that she did that to me.

  I had to explain over and over again how sick I was but she wouldn’t respect it and told me over and over again that she doesn’t want to view me as sick because its inconvenient for her. She was making me feel so guilty and so bad it wasn’t until my current boyfriend told me that every time I speak to her I end up apologising for stuff I shouldn’t that I realised. I still cant believe that she is no longer a constant in my life any more, and sadly after everything I have a real trouble trusting people.

  This is the part that makes me cry when ever I attempt to come close to having an answer for it but the advice that I would have? I am so sorry if this Is too bad or unrelatable but it would be what I learnt years ago. Imagine there’s a 4 year old you in front of you now, everything you are saying to yourself now or believing would you put it on them? For me I feel like I let myself down, I’m what’s known as a functional person with severe suicidal thoughts. I am a constant risk and I’m hurting myself and everyone around me, but I would like to think some day I will make people, but most importantly myself, proud.

  My future plans and goals are, and as sad as this will sound to most people but its honestly, to be happy. I’m having to take it literally day by day, when my seizures are bad I’ve legit had to get my boyfriend or someone to supervise me in the bath and have actually had to wash and feed me before now. If I can make it to the other side, I want to be happy, have a job so I can support myself and one day maybe even write again.
Thankyou for taking the time to read!

Thanks Jenny, that was super insightful. I know you don’t like talking about your past trauma and stuff and this has been a real eye opener for me at least. I feel like you have let down some walls and I feel like we are closer because of this.

For anyone who wants to get a glimpse at more posts I have left a linky at the bottom of the post to Jenny’s Blog. Thanks for reading and I wish you a good day!

Terri =(^.^)=
xoxo

LINKY BELOWWWW!!


Have I reached that age now?

  Hello again my friends, hope you're all well. I was sat last night wondering, have I reached an age in which I'm too old to know something?

  Now, I've only just turned 26, so by no means old but it was when I was sat at my parents house drinking my coffee and my little brother (who's 22) was listening to some incoherant tripe, like the words literally made NO SENSE, and you couldn't really make them out very well. I naturally questioned it, and my older brother (32) said it was something called 'mumble rap' I laughed because I thought he was actually pulling my leg... but apparently it's a thing.

  Am I the only one who doesn't know what the hell this incoherant mumble rap is? I mean am I too old to know what this is or are there also other people who don't have a clue as to what that is? I've got to assume that the only reason my older brother knows what it is, is because he lives with my brother. It's not even the genre of music that my older brother likes and listens to.

  Then today I found myself having words with myself.

  So, I went to pick little Lucas up from school (he's not actually little, he's over half my height and I'm 5"6) and we're strolling down the road on our way home and he goes ''Mommy, do you know that robot?" I pull a face, sort of thinking.. You'll need to be a little more specific than that dude. "The one from the firehouse Mommy!" I instantly think he's referring to Transformers Rescue Bots (He's obsessed) So there I go saying "Oh you mean the little Transformer dog from Rescue Bots right?" Well now, apparently this turns into a heated debate..

  "He's not a transformer Mommy!" (Insert stroppy face, feet stomping, the works)
  "Lucas, does he transform from one thing to another?"
  "Well, yeah of course he does"
  "So then surely that makes him a Transformer, no?"
  "NO MOMMY!"

  We then proceeded to repeat the same sort of back and forth chat until I stopped answering and thought to myself... WHY am I arguing with my 5 year old about bloody Transformers? Why do I care if that little dog is a Transformer or not? What am I doing with my life right now?!

  Apparently my son still hasn't forgiven me for my lack of knowledge on his Rescue Bots, so I guess I best research them later when he's in bed to avoid heated debates like this again.

Thanks for reading my lovelies.

Love to you all!
Terri =(^.^)=
xoxo

Tuesday, 20 March 2018

Briefly...

  So, I thought before I left for hopefully the land of nod (please let me sleep tonight) that I would briefly just let you know how this whole shabang is going to roll.

Firstly, DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT, expect a lovely organised piece of art here, I'm about as organised as a flock of newly birthed chicks trying to follow mama bird into a pond.

Secondly, Coherant? I can be, but don't expect it all the time, sometimes a post will be that far out there you'll look at it and read it 4 times and still think that a drunk person put that together. Things rum through my mind like Marty speeding back in time.

Thirdly, I will probably swear... I can't help myself sometimes. I am sorry.

Fourthly, is that even a word, it doesn't sound like a word... It's a word now if it isn't already. My kids will randomly pop up like all the time, no matter what the post is about because my 5 year old says some of the craziest things. I find him hilarious, I think he's going to be a comedy genious one day.

One day I might post about how the world is all rainbows and unicorns then the next day I might retreat back to my dark and brooding self and hit you with some real shit. (see I can't help myself)

  I like to joke around a lot, in fact, you'll probably find that I often poke fun of my own mental health issues, it's a coping mechanism and helps me, slightly. If you have funnies to tell me, please do.. totally thinking of doing stand up and I need a great set of jokes for my act.

  Animal lover? Welcome, I will post some crazy photo's and the antics of my pets. I have 4.
I have 3 cats, Cupcake, Luna and Gizmo. And a big silly dog called Bren. You will become well aquanted over this blog, I promise. (Gizmo is the picture, she's super photo genic so why wouldn't I show her off)

Anyway, regardless to how unorganised and crazy I may seem at times, I really hope you enjoy reading my blog and about my life managing (or having it managed by my partner) my mental health, caring for 4 cool pets and 3 kickass little dudes.

Love to you all!
Terri =(^.^)=
xoxo