Saturday, 31 March 2018

Quirks and All.

  Hello, welcome, welcome all again. I must thank you for returning to my chaotic mess of a blog, it must baffle you sometimes to my rambles, My apologies!

  So, we're here again friends, a place of probably quick topic changing, nonsensical words and sentences that don't lead into each other, I'm sorry but my brain thinks faster than I can actually type sometimes... Which is a feat in itself since I type pretty damn quick.

  Anyone have any old habits that are practically now part of your personality and all it's little quirks? I have plenty apparently, as I'm learning from everyone now, as an attempt to make me feel better about myself I assume... Because my self esteem is either Godly or non existant.

  Certain people can tell if I'm genuinely smiling or just smiling because I think the conversation calls for it, I didn't know that people I knew could pick up the difference, I thought my acting was flawless.. Apparently I'm sorely mistaken as someone pointed out to me that I smile with my eyes when something has genuinely pleased me whereas if I don't really mean it but think I should smile at this point in conversation it doesn't quite reach my eyes... Funny that, no one has ever picked that out and told me.

  A few people can now tell the difference between my mood shifts, usually if I'm having a tremendously bad day I'm still pretty good at coming across as ok, but apparently some people can pick it out, like a gut feeling that I'm not ok really I'm just trying to not burden anyone else with my shit... So then they proceed to not leave me alone and shower me with affection and motivation and stuff, It's not a bad thing, it doesn't really help I'm afraid for all the people who do it, but thanks anyway.. It's really nice that you are trying to be that great friend who is helping me, so sorry if my mood doesn't shift the way you want it to, I literally have zero control over that.

  I have a weird habit of smiling and tilting my head to the side whilst closing my eyes, nobody usually picks up on it..... Someone the other day however picked it up and asked why I do it, I honestly don't know, I haven't a clue where it came from, I haven't always done it... It just sort of happened one day and stuck and now I can't stop myself from doing it.

  When I get excited over something my whole body tenses up, I do a squeak and I'm literally like a child, nobody picks up on this, but it was pointed out to me the other day.. Why are people picking up on my embarrassing things now... Leave them be, it's just a quirk to my personality. I am a child inside.

  When I'm having a bad day, I try to isolate myself, I don't like to interact with people, I don't like to move much, if at all.. If I have to go out for any reason at all, I try to smile and shrug the task off like the quicker it's done the quicker I can be at home being a part of the sofa zoning out, but apparently my smile is awkward as are my reactions to things... So note to self : Do not go out and try and function like a normal person whilst having a bad day... EVERYBODY can tell I'm being weird.

  I randomly start dancing, I don't care where I am, I don't care who can see, I don't care if it's inappropriate, I randomly start dad dancing... Usually I only go out with my best friend and he knows and loves all the little quirks about me, he has said without them I just wouldn't be me or as interesting, but I went out with another family member the other week and I have honestly never seen someone look so embarrassed in their lives than when I started dad dancing up an aisle of the supermarket. I'm sorry but I'm not sorry.

  Not many people notice, because I'm extremely quick about it... But sometimes when someone brushes past me when I'm out or stands a little too close to me, I cringe and my body physically convulses for a second, another thing I can't quite control.. I just really hate people touching me, whether I know them or not.. Sometimes if I know the person I'm not so bad, but strangers it's like, I don't know where you've been, what you've touched, what you have etc.

  PUBLIC TOILETS. Now I hate using them, if I can hold it till I get home I bloody well will, but if I have to use a public toilet you would think I'm going into a contagious area. I have my sleeves down, I have my shirt over my nose, I'm in and out super fast, I not only wash my hands but all up my wrists, I then pull my sleeves over my hands, open the doors with my bum if it's a push to get out.. I basically make sure I don't touch anything upon leaving, and I still then put anti bacterial gel on my hands when I'm safe and outside... There's something wrong with me I'm sure.

  My left eye lid twitches when I'm hungry, I kid you not. My left eye lid starts to twitch if I am really hungry, so you don't need to wait for me to get grumpy because I'm hungry because my eye lid will tell you.

  I'm a quirky person, this isn't even all my little quirks, I just thought I should be brief... So far these are the only ones that people have picked out and noticed, I'm hoping the rest stay unnoticed forever. Some of them are pretty embarrassing.

Love to you all!
Terri =(^.^)=
xoxo

Thursday, 29 March 2018

Guest Post From Pamie


Hey again, we’re here for another guest blog post by someone suffering various mental health problems. This will be like a good ole Q&A, so I hope you all enjoy it! Read Follow Like And Share the awareness. This week we have a lovely strong lady who I know suffers daily, Pamie. This will be the last one as we're approaching the end of the month now, I'll storm up some awesome ideas for next month... Promise. Soooo Enjoy.



1. Introduce yourself! Tell me about yourself and what you're into 😊
I’m Pamela Anne, I get called Pamie or Annie by my friends. I’m 33 years old, raised in Yorkshire and Fife with my older brother (by our parents), and a bit obsessed with sports haha. I support Aberdeen and Arsenal FC, Denver Broncos (NFL), Denver Nuggets (NBA), Colorado Avalanche (NHL) and Colorado Rockies (MLB). I also enjoy gaming on my PS4 and Xbox One, actually obsessed with the Life is Strange games, I have tattoos, many of them are in relation to my mental health and my family, other things I also enjoy are seeing friends, travelling and photography.
2. What's your mental health issue? Tell us about it
I was diagnosed with depression, I feel I also have PTSD after witnessing a traumatic event when I was in primary school. I also have health anxiety, social anxiety and panic disorder.
3. When did it start?
I was diagnosed way back in 1995, when I was just 11 years old.
4. How do you feel being diagnosed?
I feel good about having been diagnosed, because I know I’m not just being antisocial, that there is something going on which makes me feel the way I am on occasions.
5. How does it affect your every day life?
I can have good days and bad days, on my good days, I manage to go out with my friends to places like Edinburgh and eat out with them (if it’s not busy), but when I have a bad day, I just want to shut myself away from the world, play my PS4 or my Xbox and just laze the day away.
6. Do others treat you different knowing you have this illness?
I feel I get treated differently by my family who hardly see me (my aunts, uncles etc.) mainly because they cannot see how I am on a daily basis, they all just treat me as though a lot of different things is going on, but I would rather they looked at me as me because I haven’t changed, I just have something different around me, and they seem to tip toe around it. My close family and friends don’t treat me any different because they see/speak to me a lot of the time.
7. What advice would you give to someone suffering the same or similar symptoms that you wish someone had told you?
No matter what the diagnosis, you are still the same person, just limited edition.
8. Do you know of any helpful groups?
I use a website called no more panic, I have met a few people from there who have helped me in recent months. I have actually just recently completed a self-esteem group in my local area which has helped me build my confidence.
9. What are your future plans and goals?
At the moment I am attending a short course at college called Sports Link, from there I’m hoping to go further in the sports industry within the therapy area as I feel what I have been through may help those who have injuries etc.. in their rehabilitation.



Thanks for being awesome and letting us all have a little peek into the life you lead. I wish you all the luck in college and that you get to do all that you want to do. Thank you again for participating in the Mental Health Awareness Month. You’re awesome.



Thanks for reading, following and liking all a long the process of Mental Health Awareness Month people, it’s muchly appreciated. I hope you continue to follow and read about these amazing strong people and their lives.



Love to you all!
Terri =(^.^)=
xoxo

Tuesday, 27 March 2018

You got this kid!

  Hello again my lovelies, welcome back to my blog. I'm sorry I've been non existant, I've been having a bad few days, with zero energy and motivation and I've just been trying to deal with that shit. I'm sorry this will more than likely happen again, I can assure you of that. 

So, I feel that I'm always having to apologise for the way I act, things I say, things I do.. so it's common for me to utter the words "I'm sorry" at least 30+ times a day. I'm often told to stop apologising so much which will get an extra sorry out of me. It's one of my qualities that I really hate, that I'm basically just constantly apologising for absolutely everything in life. Even if it's not my fault and I know it's not my fault. People think I'm just overly polite when in actual fact I'm not, it's just a default setting and I say it without even thinking about it anymore.

  Now, the real people that I feel I will have to apologise to for the way I am and how I act for the rest of my life are my 3 children. A constant fear of mine is that 1 of them if not all of them will somewhat gain some of my mental health issues later in life, it petrifies me, I'm actually terrifyed about it and it often gives me nightmares. My partner thinks I'm being silly worrying before anything has even been confirmed, but as you may all know, I'm good at worrying so why would I quit? 

  Our eldest I'm the most concerned for, because he shows signs of aggression, not being able to handle his emotions when he used to be able to do it so well, lack of interest in a lot of things that used to interest him, periods of black outs where he hurts someone else but doesn't remember it so completely breaks down into tears. Now this kid is 5 years old, so yeah it's probably just usual kid stuff, going through changes ect but it springs red flags at me all the time because he acts how I act sometimes... I mean it could be as simple as he's just seen me do it and he has now copied it, I sincerely hope that it's just that because we can rectify that... But in my head, I've failed as a parent for not protecting him from such things like this, even though I know it's not something I can control, I feel that I have failed because I had children and potentially could of passed things on like that.

  Now I know a lot of you are probably thinking, loads of people with mental health issues have kids and everything turns out fine, and I hear you on that but it's always a fear for us parents, in the back of our mind we're always looking for signs, we're always questioning and worrying about their behaviour so that they don't suffer in silence for as long as some of us may of. It's not something we can get rid of, and yeah maybe if we were going to worry like this and question everything that maybe we should of thought it through a bit better, but a lot of us if not all of us feel like it's changed us for the better having children.

  Before I had children I had attempted suicide a total of 27 times, I self harmed every day, I had a drinking problem, and I impulsively spent all my money all the time, couldn't hold a job down (still can't now) and strived for recognition from very bad people. 
  I met my partner when I was 17, I had just come out of a very bad relationship for me, I was impulsive, I didn't think it through, but it was probably the only impulsive thing I've done in my life that was good for me. Yeah, we may of broke up a few times in between because of me, but we're together and he's made it clear that it's not happening again, he's not letting me push him away anymore. That's what I need in my life, I need the stability of someone looking me in the face whilst holding me by the shoulders shaking me, telling me that they aren't going to leave, and that I can't make them leave.

  Almost 9 years later, I have only attempted suicide twice, I have random spouts of self harming, I ha a drinking problem when I was 21/22 for a few months, I still impulsively spend, but it's not as bad as before, I can't hold a job down at the minute, paid or unpaid, I need to find the right medication to help me out I think, and I no longer strive for recognition from other people, I have 2 friends who I depend on, that's enough for me. There's no bad people in my life anymore, toxic people have been cut out, it's made me feel a little better in myself.

So, for anyone who's just been diagnosed with mental health issues, waiting on a diagnosis, let me tell you. YOU ARE AWESOME AND BRAVE AND STRONG, YOU GOT THIS. 

I wish more people told me that I'm brave, that I'm strong and that I've got this. Not, it's not the end of the world, it could be worse, and you'll get through it.. you're an adult now it will be easier.

No, it's not the end of the world, but to someone who's just been given a diagnosis like this it feels like it's the end of the world. Do you know how many people change their attitude towards you if you tell them you have a mental health issue that you have to disclose to employers? It's disheartening to have someone in an interview love you, then find out that you have a mental health problem and suddenly look at you like you're dirt on their shoe, it's an awful feeling. Yes, it could be worse, but that doesn't down play how bad it is to feel like the whole world is out to get you daily, it doesn't make you feel better knowing that it could be worse because to you at that very moment, this is the worst for you. Yes, I am an adult, and yeah, I probably will get through my bad spell, I usually do, sometimes I need help but that's fine... Just because I'm an adult doesn't mean I can handle this any better than when I was a kid, in fact... as a kid my parents made the decisions for me, I never had bills, I never had debt, I wasn't allowed to have anything that would cause debt because of my impulsive personality problem, now as an adult... There's no one making decisions for me, I have bills, I have a lot of debt because of my impulsive personality problem...

I know that the people who make these remarks mean well, but it just doesn't get delivered as well as you think to people whose world constantly feels like it's imploding. 

So, mental health suffers, Yes, it's pretty bad now, you're life may be imploding on itself right now and you have EVERY SINGLE RIGHT to feel this way, you have every right to be mad, sad, defeated... But just know, it does get better, it does get easier, you will get through this not because you're an adult, but because you are a strong, brave and awesome person and You Got This! 

Thanks for being here guys and girls.
Love to you all!

Terri =(^.^)=
xoxo 

Saturday, 24 March 2018

Guest Blogger DaddyGiraffe is here!


Hey all! Hope you’re all well. I know I said I’d post them once a week but I suddenly realised we’re coming up towards the end of the month already haha! Silly me right? So I’m going to post the mental health awareness guest posts every few days as I’ve had a couple of people forward me their stories/answers. I hope you enjoy the read, today Gareth (also known to us cool folk as daddy giraffe) has been awesome and shared his answers with us today, below I’ve left a linky to his personal blog and I hope you go across and give it a read because it’s awesome. Thanks again for coming by to read!



1. Tell me about yourself and what your into
My names Gareth I’m a daddy to 5 (3 girls and 2 boys), I enjoy watching MMA and Football also the lighter side of things by reading.
2. What's your Mental Health issue?
I have Personality Disorder which is lovely mixture of Bipolar and Schizophrenia
3. When did it start?
It started a long time ago from when I was younger but through the years it got worse to the point where I had to seek professional help, this was when I was diagnosed with Personality Disorder.
4. How do you feel about being diagnosed?
Shocked and highly pissed off at first!!
But once I was used to it and come to terms with the fact I had this condition and it could be controlled by medication and therapy then I learnt to except it.
5. How does it affect your everyday life?
It affects every aspect of my life from personal to professional.
My moods change so fast throughout the day from high to low and calm to angry that is hard to be around me personally.
I was unable to work because of this and now I am being turned down most places see this and just wont take the chance on me which is disheartening.
6. Do other people treat you differently since you have had this illness?
Personally no everyone has been very supportive so I am so lucky in that aspect but professionally and in certain places once I declare it then there attitude changes and for some reason they talk to me slower....
7. What advice would you give someone in a similar situation to you?
Don't try to hide it to yourself, talk to someone and open up it will help you in the long run.
8. Do you know of any helpful groups?
Yes I am admin on a Facebook group called Personality Disorder Awareness Family
We have people from all over the world on there and its growing fast.
I also have a Mental Health Facebook Group called Personality Disorder & Mental Health Family.
9. What are your future plans and goals?
Firstly get back into work, come off the medication and then hopefully be settled enough with my family that marriage is on the cards.






As promised below is the link to his blog, go along and give it a read, you can also follow him on twitter and facebook (same names) I think that he would really appreciate that.
http://www.daddygiraffe21.com
Thanks for giving us an insight on your mental health, I hope it was an eye opener for some people, it’s sounds kind of similar to what I have as well so maybe that’s why we get on with each other… Common ground kind of thing!

Love to you all!
Terri =(^.^)=
xoxo

Thursday, 22 March 2018

The person I am today

  Hey again, I'm back at yet another obscure hour because my 2 year old isn't feeling well still. I thought I would delve into a bit of my past, now I don't really like talking about my past, and the trauma I have had but I feel it gives you a better understanding of why I'm the way I am right now ... this day. I haven' suffered as horribly as other people but to me I've suffered enough that I feel it accounts to some of my personality so here we go... back to the past again!

  I've always been a pretty timid child, large crowds have always scared me amd I've never really spoke much, so I can kinda understand why I have always been the target for bullying and only recently have I realised it was never MY fault but theirs.

  I was picked on milday from year 3/4 in school, the usual kind of name calling and oh don't play with her... childish bullying. When I got to secondary school I was under this false illusion that it would change and I'd make friends and have a good time whilst excelling in school. The first year of secondary school I unfortunately had to take some time off school because a close friend of mine, in fact the only friend I had then committed suicide after his parents got divorced. I won' delve fully into that as it gives me nightmares and I've never recovered and the thought makes me sick, put it this way, I witnessed his dead body and it was not something an 11/12 year old should of ever had to witness.

  Anyway I got back to school and naturally I wasn't just the same quiet person, I was now feeling depressed and not sleeping well. So I would nap at school as well. The bullying commenced again but a little more hurtful, I was already in a delicate emotional place as it was. It died down a bit and then I made some friends ... or that is what I thought. These new friends were now picking on me and I couldn't understand why or what I had done to upset them so much that they'd pick on me. So I distanced myself a little, they'd say let's hang out and then ditch me up town where I would often go to the toilets and sit with my fit up on the seat crying to myself asking what I had done. I stopped talking to anyone,  I stopped making new friends... I closed myself off to everyone at school and even to everyone at home. The bullying escalated and escalaTed to the point of physical violence, one boy punched me in the face to which I walked out of school and went home... to which the school then punished me for. I was tormented daily at school and when I got home from school on the Internet.  I just didn' know what was wrong with me that everyone laughed as I was this pitiful person who nobody wanted to help.

  I'd had enough, I made several attempts on my life and was self harming more than once a day. My parents had finally had enough and got me to see a psychiatrist for my issues. I was in a horrible place and it was like no one wanted to help me. Nobody cared about me. No one at school cared that I was failing most subjects, that I dreaded being there and that I was suffering so bad. They didn't care that I'd made attempts on my life, that I'd run away from home.

  Now this is a very touchy subject for me, I usually leave it at I was harshly bullied in school and leave it at that but I thought I'd go into a little more detail and even though talking about it brings up bad memories and feelings and cripples me I feel that this has mainly contributed to who I am today.

  I have trust issues, I cringe when people say they like me, I can't accept that someone wants to genuinely be my friend and hang out with me. I'm scared to go outside. Physical violence terrifyes me. Compliments make me uncomfortable. People who are legit supposed to be there to support you, but I can't trust they will actually help me if and when I need it. Me personally, I feel that if I hadnt been bullied o that extent, if I hadn't witnessed horrific things or had bad things done to my young body.. I feel I wouldn't be as messed up as I am today.

  I'm gonna go cry into a tub of ice cream whilst cursing out all the bad poisonous people that have ever been in my life now.

Love to you all!
Terri =(^.^)=
xoxo

Wednesday, 21 March 2018

HERE MY BEAUTIES HAVE ANOTHER!

  Hello! Welcome back! 3rd time today right? Welcome all the same. We're going to play a little bit of get to know the person behind that weird awkward smile! 


I have prepared some things for just this post!

- Why is half my face missing I hear you ask yourself? Because I hate looking at my face, can just about stomach half of it.
- Favourite colour? Lilac (I must be that special snowflake)
- Favourite Music? Kpop, all day and every day!
- Favourite movie genre? Horror, more specifically Zombies.
- Favourite Food? Pizza, spicy Pizza.. ALL THE PIZZA NOW.
- Favourite animal? Shark, not picky, I love sharks they're majestic and beautiful creatures. 
- Favourite thing to do? Meme collection, I am the meme collector, I have one for all occassions. I actually have folders on my phone, spider man memes, kpop memes, game memes etc. I'm obsessed. 

  So some basic stuff that probably got skipped over till the meme section and now there is a guy sat there thinking "Jesus, she is more obsessed than me!" It's cool, I should of been born a guy anyway.

  Now, a little more about me.. I know I'm so obsessed with myself aren't I? 


  Hello, I am Terri. I've just turned 26, I'm engaged to be married when I can be bothered to save the money to the man I've spent almost 9 years of my life with. Long ass time for someone who's 2 screws away from rocking in a corner singing lullabies to my pet woodlouse right? We have 3 kickass little dudes together and 4 semi ok furry kids. We have our eldest, Lucas who's 6 this year. Theo who just turned 2, and little baby Ezra who's almost 4 months old, I know I'm doing alright here aren't I, 3 sons, close in age.. Teenage years are going to be feckin hilariously fun right... [sobs internally] Then we have our big soft daft brush of a dog, Bren. He's a collie crossed with a german shepherd who thinks he's a lap dog and is the goodest boy.. Just ask him. Then we have our 3 felines, Cupcake, Luna and Gizmo. The ladies that run the house really.
 
  This is the house dynamic, it's pretty busy in this house.. especially from the hours of 11pm - 4am when the ladies of the house decide this is excellent cup breaking hours and running around like they're on crack. 

  I am the kind of person who will sit up until 6am playing video games or watching stupid videos on the interwebs and then sleep for 30 minutes before getting up to get the eldest ready and fed for school and take him off to school, then I will spend the day playing dinosaurs with our 2 year old whilst also playing endless games of peekaboo and napping at some point in the day with our 2 year old (please don't give up those naps anytime soon, I will not survive) I'm slack on housework, I hate doing it, I love having a clean, tidy house where everything is in it's place but apparently I am the only one who likes the house that way since I'm the only one who picks up after myself.
  I watch a lot of Kdrama and Jdrama, listen to only kpop (I haven't a clue what the most recent mainstream music is) I read a lot and write fanfics. I play dating sims on my phone (because I'm a loser) I am the homework master, at the moment he only gets english homework and I love english.  I write my own stories (but never finish them because I get writers block, come back several months later and hate everything that I wrote) 
  I practically live off of snack food, coffee and monster energy drinks (I never said my regular health was any better) And hyperventerlate in the back of taxi's when they try and converse with me or make eye contact. 

  Known for making stupid noises really loudly in public, dancing in public, randomly exercising wherever I am, conversing with cute doggos, befriending cats and playing rock paper scissors with kids on the bus. Also I post a lot of animal videos, post memes daily and laugh at my own jokes (someone's gotta right?) Have regular contests in public with my best friend oh who can be the creepiest and weirdest out of the two of us, I usually win, he's just not willing to go as far as me. Regular tell people to ''Fight me, you little bitch'' and use loving words to call my partner like "dick" 

Well who feels like they know more about me? Now who's thinking she's a dick, let's leave before she notices? I won't be offended, you gotta be able to have control over your feelings to feel at will. 

Good night my friends! 

Terri =(^.^)=
xoxo
  

Guest Blogger Jenny HAS ARRIVED!


Hey everyone and welcome back!

I’m going to do my mental health post a day early this week. This here is Jenny, who I keep trying to tell is a very VERY brave and strong lady who I admire greatly. I know I don’t take compliments and words of wisdom too well but I hope she reads this and understands what an amazing woman she is, and coming forward and speaking as much as she has about what she goes through is amazing, I love her honesty here and it honestly made me want to fight whoever caused so much pain for her. So instead of the usual Q&A she has been an absolute diamond and answered the questions… But so that it’s more of a story coming straight from her mouth. Give it a read and enjoy! x


  Hey there! My name is Jenny Jumratie, I am 22 and currently living with my boyfriend and his parents. I am really into marvel and I LOVE books, I love to read and I am actually an author to a book I wrote (Forever & Always) a few years ago for Stand Up 2 Cancer UK. I wrote it in a month and managed to raise £380 which is still to this day my proudest achievement. I other wise really struggle to describe myself, mostly because of what I am going through and how lost I feel.
I can’t go into my whole back story because unfortunately still to this day there is some stuff that I’m still working through. I am sure you can appreciate where I am coming from.
I’m going to give you the list I have been given by my doctors and what I actually feel I have.

- Severe PTSD,

  Severe depression and anxiety disorder I got diagnosed when I was 16/17 but believe it actually started way before. Years on and off many different antidepressants and many attempts on my life and self harm scars covering my arms, I can’t really say how I felt being diagnosed with them because until last year I was really confused.

  I wouldn’t say it has affected my life until the other factors, which I will go on to talk about came back into my life. I still managed to hold down a job no matter how bad I felt and still continued to support my friends through what they were going through.

  Until last year in September/October my seizures started rather explosively and I spent the better part of the month literally out of it. Eventually I was diagnosed with non epileptic seizure disorder, they believe it was a psychological issue and it was my body’s way of trying to make me remember something I had been blocking out for most of my life. Sounds strange doesn’t it? Suddenly the job I was managing to hold down I no longer could, the friends started disappearing as soon as things got rough. I then was having to deal with my declining mental health and I actually attempted suicide. To this day if it wasn’t for my boyfriend walking into our room when he did, I wouldn’t be here typing to you now.

  I know what you are probably thinking… What is that event or what did I try to block? I can’t really go into what I’m about to tell you because I’m still working through it and don’t really understand or have come to accept, but from the ages of 6 till November 2016 I was sexually and emotionally abused by two different, but at the time very important, well so I thought people in my life.

  Flash backs have been a constant for me for the past 6 months and I have only just managed to slow down, the seizures are still happening, in fact, I had a few this morning and as a result of everything? Welcome my PTSD.

  Now this was weird for me when I got diagnosed because I truly believed that PTSD is what happens when you have been in the army or something similar. I would never call myself an average person but I didn’t think someone like me would ever get it. It’s gotten to the point for me now where I really struggle leaving the house and I am just working on a routine, but every day is a different struggle. I don’t really have that much of a life now, but it’s something I understand is going to take a while to rebuild.

  I’m seeing a psychiatrist soon so keep your fingers crossed for me. I do believe people treat me a lot more different now to when I just had depression and anxiety, at first I believed them when they said that I was too hard to handle and actually that it was my fault but I don’t know. Someone who used to be my best friend for the best part of 7/8 years, someone who I over and over again stated that she was my sister and nothing less now barley speaks to me. Towards the end of our friendship she was constantly getting me to apologise for letting her down, or failing her trust when the reality is that she did that to me.

  I had to explain over and over again how sick I was but she wouldn’t respect it and told me over and over again that she doesn’t want to view me as sick because its inconvenient for her. She was making me feel so guilty and so bad it wasn’t until my current boyfriend told me that every time I speak to her I end up apologising for stuff I shouldn’t that I realised. I still cant believe that she is no longer a constant in my life any more, and sadly after everything I have a real trouble trusting people.

  This is the part that makes me cry when ever I attempt to come close to having an answer for it but the advice that I would have? I am so sorry if this Is too bad or unrelatable but it would be what I learnt years ago. Imagine there’s a 4 year old you in front of you now, everything you are saying to yourself now or believing would you put it on them? For me I feel like I let myself down, I’m what’s known as a functional person with severe suicidal thoughts. I am a constant risk and I’m hurting myself and everyone around me, but I would like to think some day I will make people, but most importantly myself, proud.

  My future plans and goals are, and as sad as this will sound to most people but its honestly, to be happy. I’m having to take it literally day by day, when my seizures are bad I’ve legit had to get my boyfriend or someone to supervise me in the bath and have actually had to wash and feed me before now. If I can make it to the other side, I want to be happy, have a job so I can support myself and one day maybe even write again.
Thankyou for taking the time to read!

Thanks Jenny, that was super insightful. I know you don’t like talking about your past trauma and stuff and this has been a real eye opener for me at least. I feel like you have let down some walls and I feel like we are closer because of this.

For anyone who wants to get a glimpse at more posts I have left a linky at the bottom of the post to Jenny’s Blog. Thanks for reading and I wish you a good day!

Terri =(^.^)=
xoxo

LINKY BELOWWWW!!


Have I reached that age now?

  Hello again my friends, hope you're all well. I was sat last night wondering, have I reached an age in which I'm too old to know something?

  Now, I've only just turned 26, so by no means old but it was when I was sat at my parents house drinking my coffee and my little brother (who's 22) was listening to some incoherant tripe, like the words literally made NO SENSE, and you couldn't really make them out very well. I naturally questioned it, and my older brother (32) said it was something called 'mumble rap' I laughed because I thought he was actually pulling my leg... but apparently it's a thing.

  Am I the only one who doesn't know what the hell this incoherant mumble rap is? I mean am I too old to know what this is or are there also other people who don't have a clue as to what that is? I've got to assume that the only reason my older brother knows what it is, is because he lives with my brother. It's not even the genre of music that my older brother likes and listens to.

  Then today I found myself having words with myself.

  So, I went to pick little Lucas up from school (he's not actually little, he's over half my height and I'm 5"6) and we're strolling down the road on our way home and he goes ''Mommy, do you know that robot?" I pull a face, sort of thinking.. You'll need to be a little more specific than that dude. "The one from the firehouse Mommy!" I instantly think he's referring to Transformers Rescue Bots (He's obsessed) So there I go saying "Oh you mean the little Transformer dog from Rescue Bots right?" Well now, apparently this turns into a heated debate..

  "He's not a transformer Mommy!" (Insert stroppy face, feet stomping, the works)
  "Lucas, does he transform from one thing to another?"
  "Well, yeah of course he does"
  "So then surely that makes him a Transformer, no?"
  "NO MOMMY!"

  We then proceeded to repeat the same sort of back and forth chat until I stopped answering and thought to myself... WHY am I arguing with my 5 year old about bloody Transformers? Why do I care if that little dog is a Transformer or not? What am I doing with my life right now?!

  Apparently my son still hasn't forgiven me for my lack of knowledge on his Rescue Bots, so I guess I best research them later when he's in bed to avoid heated debates like this again.

Thanks for reading my lovelies.

Love to you all!
Terri =(^.^)=
xoxo

Tuesday, 20 March 2018

Briefly...

  So, I thought before I left for hopefully the land of nod (please let me sleep tonight) that I would briefly just let you know how this whole shabang is going to roll.

Firstly, DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT, expect a lovely organised piece of art here, I'm about as organised as a flock of newly birthed chicks trying to follow mama bird into a pond.

Secondly, Coherant? I can be, but don't expect it all the time, sometimes a post will be that far out there you'll look at it and read it 4 times and still think that a drunk person put that together. Things rum through my mind like Marty speeding back in time.

Thirdly, I will probably swear... I can't help myself sometimes. I am sorry.

Fourthly, is that even a word, it doesn't sound like a word... It's a word now if it isn't already. My kids will randomly pop up like all the time, no matter what the post is about because my 5 year old says some of the craziest things. I find him hilarious, I think he's going to be a comedy genious one day.

One day I might post about how the world is all rainbows and unicorns then the next day I might retreat back to my dark and brooding self and hit you with some real shit. (see I can't help myself)

  I like to joke around a lot, in fact, you'll probably find that I often poke fun of my own mental health issues, it's a coping mechanism and helps me, slightly. If you have funnies to tell me, please do.. totally thinking of doing stand up and I need a great set of jokes for my act.

  Animal lover? Welcome, I will post some crazy photo's and the antics of my pets. I have 4.
I have 3 cats, Cupcake, Luna and Gizmo. And a big silly dog called Bren. You will become well aquanted over this blog, I promise. (Gizmo is the picture, she's super photo genic so why wouldn't I show her off)

Anyway, regardless to how unorganised and crazy I may seem at times, I really hope you enjoy reading my blog and about my life managing (or having it managed by my partner) my mental health, caring for 4 cool pets and 3 kickass little dudes.

Love to you all!
Terri =(^.^)=
xoxo

Don't they bug you also?

  I should apologise in advance as I will more than likely offend at least one person reading... It's kind of how things work isn't it?

So I meant to actually type this up last night and post it but I got hooked on something on netflix and then next thing I knew I had fallen asleep briefly sat up on the sofa and it was almost 6.30am ... Not much point going to bed then when I have to be up in 30 minutes. I don't get too much time in the day to be blogging because for anyone who doesn't know my 2 year old Theo, he's a clinger... He loves mommy so much and will not nap or go to sleep for anyone else. When he's poorly, he'd rather share those germs with me the most, that kid is feral and doesn't give a damn if he makes mommy poorly as long as he gets infinite cuddles and hair strokes, bit like our dog in that respect.. Maybe that's why he's feral, he's trying to copy the dog rather than the people he lives with.. Interesting thought that.

  Well anyway, getting kind of off topic now. Someone on my facebook highlighted a very important issue which struck a chord with me because it's something that has really really bugged me for ages.

The word 'triggered' and everyone that flipping uses it.

  NOWWW, hold up before you call the firing squad to have it out with me, settle your tushs down and hear me out first. You might still want to shoot me afterwards, that is also fine.. I'm not everyone's cup of tea, hell, I'm not even some people's shot of vodka. So it's cool. We're good.

  I don't mean people who are genuinely triggered by things, I have triggers for pete's sake (sorry pete) I mean the people who throw that word around like it makes them some special snowflake, the ones who are triggered over obscure things or by literally everything. Again I don't mean everyone, some people are genuine ... I'm more so talking about the self loathing place of Tumblr... There seems to be a hell of a lot of 'triggered' people all hanging out there, is it a cult? I don't know. Some of these people are throwing this word around like it's cool when in actual fact it isn't, it's FUDGING SCARY.
(I'm making a point to try and swear less, I'm a sweary momma and it's not good)

  I feel that these people who aren't even genuine about being triggered by things is taking it away from people who suffer various mental health problems or PTSD sufferers because a lot of people are laughing at the nonces on Tumblr. I know, I'm one of the people who laughs sometimes at the people on Tumblr. (I'm sorry, I'm not even human)

  It bugs me because, these people who suffer things like PTSD, they don't run their mouths about something triggering them.. IF SOMETHING TRIGGERS ME I HIDE IN MY HIDEY HOLE. I deal with it myself, I go through the emotions, I overcome it, I don't die so it's fine. I don't tell someone about it, I pretend I wasn't even fazed by it. I personally want people to view me as normal (I know, I'm nuts to even think that possible right?) so why, WHY on earth would I draw attention to my abnormalities of me going a little nuts half way through a conversation because someone made a joke that triggered something in me? I wouldn't would I? That's why I find it hard to even trust people on Tumblr (I don't visit anymore, it's a weird place.. hentai pops up frequently) when they say it's triggered me.

  HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO KNOW IF SOMETHING WILL TRIGGER YOU?
I know my kids think I'm a Wizard and can do amazing things like read minds and stuff but, I can't actually do it. Unless you have told me what your past trauma is, I will not know what's happened to you prior to me meeting you, therefor I will not know what not to say in front of you, or what not to do. It's pretty simple really isn't it? 

  Rule it this way, if someone says something as a joke that offends me, I have chosen to take offence to it when the person who said it was joking. They didn't go out of their way to hurt my feelings (by the way, they died a long time ago, you can't upset me unless you're a dirty tea spoon in my living room) I shouldn't be making that person feel bad for joking, so that's the point I'm trying to kind of get across here. How 'triggered' is a banned word from now on, it bugs me how it's thrown about.

Love to you all!!

Terri =(^.^)=
xoxo

Monday, 19 March 2018

Something Different!

Because it's come to my attention that I'm being a little bit too doom and gloom at the moment I thought I would break the posts up with something a little different, something that isn't all doom and gloom... I hope this isn't a boring read for you all. Some might actually relate (parents I mean)

  Now I'm not the perfect parent, nor are my children little angels... I am always the first to admit this, so whenever I give advice on children to people I usually lead with the joke of ''Kids are a lie, don't do it, they'll make you insane'' I often get looks of disgust, because I think some people don't get that I'm joking, I love my children, I love having children, my life has changed for the better since having children.. I mean I have these tiny 3 dudes who depend on me, love me unconditionally, they may not like some of the things I do or say, but they love me for me and all my crazy. I would do anything for those 3 little dudes.

  But, they are also the only people in my life that know how to push every and I mean EVERY single button to get me to go off and hide with a coffee muttering to myself... I don't often get bested by people but our kids know exactly how to do it, especially our eldest son who's only 5... Bested by a 5 year old, I know crazy right?

  Now let me give you some examples of what makes me go crazy from just the 5 year old... His name is Lucas, he was such an easy baby and toddler, he was well behaved, polite and friendly with everyone he met. He reached the age of 4 and BOOM, like a switch was flicked inside of him, he's polite when it suits him, he behaves when it benefits him (sometimes that's not even an insentive anymore) and friendly when it suits him. He loves being a big brother, he thinks it's the most important job in the whole entire world, but then thinks he can get away with blaming his younger brothers for things, pinching pudding off them ect. Normal kid behaviour, normal sibling behaviour.

  Our 2 year old, Theo, we like to refer to as feral child. This is because he's a little behind on his speech so he communicates by running at you and screaming with something like his cup in his hand or a book in his hand and you get the message of what he wants. Sometimes he can ask, like ''Juice?'' or ''Story?'' He can say simple things like thank you, sorry, hello, bed time... but mostly he communicates in noise and points. He also prefers to run around with no trousers on, if you allowed it I'm sure he would run around naked since he tries to escape everytime you change his nappy.... and if he does you'll hear him in a room shouting ''winky'' and you can almost be CERTAIN that boy is in a corner or the middle of the room flicking his bits and giggling to himself.

  Then we have our 3rd son, baby Ezra, he's just coming up 4 months old now and my partner is convinced that he hates him already. He will scream and cry but the moment he hears mommy's voice or sees my face it tends to light up into this cheeky double chinned grin and it's adorable, but I do feel bad for my partner, I have tried to tell him the kids love him just mommy is mommy, Mommy is the sick nurse, the bedtime whisperer, the bath time entertainment, the dancing partner, the snack bringer, the wrestler. the dresser and the kisser of boo boos. They all just see us differently. They want fun and excitement they generally go to daddy because they know I'm boring haha!

  My kids drive me crazy on a daily basis but I love them and all their different personalities. I joke about telling people not to do it because I want to make sure that said person is 100% ready for the tears, the tantrums, the smiles, the laughter and the different ways a child can ruin your day... for example, Lucas as a toddler... took off his nappy and smeared his poo all over his cot, himself, the walls, somehow got it on the ceiling and the dogs back... things like that can really put a dampen on your day, trust me... But it doesn't mean you love them any less.

  I know this was a bit of a random post, unstructured and unrelated to anything I've posted so far... But I thought I would try something a little different, light hearted to prove that me and my life isn't all doom and gloom.

Thanks to anyone who read this!

Love to you all.

Terri =(^.^)=
xoxo

Sunday, 18 March 2018

My life may alter completely.

Now, I don't know how organised this post will actually be as I'm having to do it from my phone with a very poorly 2 year old clinging to my leg with a sick bowl rested next to him... but I did promise I would put this post up and I like to keep my promises if possible.

So for anyone that knows me on a close personal level (not many people actually) you may of noticed I'm a little spaced, little not here kind of thing.. like I'm constantly in my own world. Well, I'm due to go for an assessment this week and there is a possibility that I may not be coming home from the assessment.
I hate admitting that I'm unable to cope with daily activities, I hate asking for help and I hate having to rely on tablets so that I can actually be allowed in public. I refuse help from close friends and family even though I know they mean well, I feel weak, vulnerable amd useless. It just highlights to me all the qualities in myself that I loathe.

I like to believe that I can be this amazing adult, gets all the house work done, cooks amazing home cooked meals, smiles and laughs a lot but the truth is, I sometimes can' even stop myself from feeling like I'm drowning, I had to force myself into a bath to wash my hair... I'm not enjoying anything not even the taste of food, which my partner has been an absolute god send and taken over the cooking duties for now.
He is worried about me, about me not coming home, he keeps saying that I don't seem bothered if I come home or not but the thing is I am bothered by it... it scares the absolute shit out of me that I won't be there for my 3 amazing boys when they need me.
  I really feel sorry for my partner, I'm not the most affectionate person anyway but I'm even less so at the moment because constantly in my head is... I'm going to have to go away and he' going to leave me, he' finally going to have just had enough of my crazy and leave.

I know I'm being paranoid right now but I am in a turmoil of emotions and I'm starting to act a bit reckless so even I am concerned this time as to how my assessment will pan out....

So if you dont hear from me from Friday onwards... eventually I will be back and just know you are all awesome and brave people. And I love you all.

Terri =(^.^)=
xoxo

Saturday, 17 March 2018

Blast from the PASSTTT!

  So funnily enough I have found an old blog post from the abyss... So I thought I would share it with you all. This is me from over a year ago opening up about myself... I'm not sure how many people actually read it or what not.. But here you go, you can see in a year I haven't actually gotten any better or much better. Enjoy x

  I often wonder how life would be if I had been born a male, I mean, would my life have been easier? Would I suffer less depression, anxiety and be less scared to leave my house?
I have many insecurities… All which pinpoint to me being born a female. So surely if I had been born a male I wouldn’t of suffered so much in life… Right??
I mean we could do a scan over what makes me the kind of person to hide behind the internet, and a fake facade of the person I am on the internet compared to the actual me in person, but would anyone really care? Would you even listen or just scan over it? Let’s give it a whirl anyway, just incase anyone feels like actually getting to know anything personal about me..

– I’ve never been attractive, like I have never considered myself attractive… Not once in my life.This I feel stems from always being told as I was growing up that I am not attractive, and of course there was that year.. and half I think where I had that nasty skin condition that basically made it look like I sniffed glue everyday. It was real bad, and I was super self concious about it, to which everyone liked to point it out and avoid me like I was contagious or something… Like I would of been in school if it was contagious guys… Seriously.

– I had long, frizzy, untameable hair… Which really got me down when everyone else had lovely smooth straightened or perfectly curled hair… I mean… SERIOUSLY we were all like 12, was I the only kid at 12 that didn’t see the point of getting up extra early to plaster make up on and straighten my annoyingly long curly hair???

– Brings me to… I often woke up late, so I didn’t get a chance to eat, I was sleep deprived at all times so I had bags under my eyes all the time and I often forgot to brush my teeth… Which wouldn’t occur to me till I was practically at school already.

– Once I hit puberty, I put on some chub… I hated it, but my momma kept telling me that it would go away and that it was just puppy fat and everyone got it when they hit puberty….. there were so many stick girls in my year it was unreal… WHY DID YOU LIE TO ME MOTHER!

– I was really quiet, I didn’t like talking from the get go at secondary school, I assume that is why I was targeted for bullying, because I was quiet, unnoticeable… I mean I am just speculating here.

– The only thing I really had at this point were boobs, as no one took the time to try and get to know me and make me laugh.

– So I find that my boobs are the only thing that anyone notices upon meeting me.
– Nobody sees my now soft, youthful, radiant skin.
– My charming yet goofy smile that dimples.
– My big joyful eyes when I talk about something I love.
– My funny personality.
– Everybody sees my boobs… I’ve been objectified ever since I grew the buggers, so now it feels and seems like nobody sees anything other than my boobs.

– I get objectified when I go out drinking, go out anywhere really.

– It makes me scared and sick to the stomach.

– It’s like I’m not even a person to these people.

– As tough as I may come across to people, inside I am a scared little girl when I have to go out on my own anywhere… It is horrible and I hate relying on others to help me through my bloody day to day activities that I have to do, being an adult and everything.

– I see how people look at me, well my chest mostly.

– I don’t like it, I hate it.

– I often cry in public toilets wishing I had been born a male.

– I don’t like people touching me. It actually makes my stomach turn, violently.

– I get super uncomfortable when people are staring at me.

– I actually feel sick to my stomach if someone is watching me eat.

– Sudden movements towards me actually make me panic because of past trauma when I was a bit younger.

– Because of something that happened when I was only 16 years old, I grew up thinking that I had to give sex to any man I dated because it was their right to sleep with me, and if I rejected I was abnormal.

– I am always scared when a guy jokingly goes to play fight with me, scared that he will hurt me and then say its my fault for being so stupid and annoying.

– I have 2 older brothers that would of helped me, stepped up to defend me as I was growing up from these bad guys I have had in my life, if I had only had the courage to tell them what had been going on.

– But I am a coward., an insecure coward, who was subjected to rape and physical abuse.

– I will always fear that I will die alone.

– I have a bad bad habit of pushing people away, especially when I am hurting real bad.

– I bottle everything up until one day I explode, a switch flips and I become hella crazy

– I actually despise myself that much that when somebody says they like me I cringe and feel sick at the thought.

– I don’t like change… even the smallest of change scares the fuck out of me.

– Other than family members Josh is the only male I have ever loved at the same level

– Josh is the only boyfriend I’ve ever truly loved to the degree I would take a bullet for him.

– Swanny is the only true best friend I’ve ever had in my life. I’m 25 years old, we’ve been friends since 2009.

– I often worry that my emotional unstableness annoys everyone in my life, including my family.

– I would probably die of a broken heart if swanny ever died or left me.

– I class swanny and jiggly my two best friends as family.

– I have suicidal thoughts 9/10ths of the day

– I often hate living and breathing

– I have very violent thoughts about killing everyone in my life that has ever bullied or hurt me badly… Like you don’t even want to know the violence that goes on up there.

– I actually love all animals, I love animals so much that I hold their lives higher than a humans life… example, if I was to come across say… an unconscious man or woman in a burning building and say a dog… The dog would be rescued and I would leave the man or woman.

– A child’s life is so precious to me that I literally love all kids, and I would castrate anyone I found out to be harming children in any way.

– I spend a lot of my time having meltdowns, includes the hyperventilating and shit too.

  Now, I know most people probably scanned that to see if there was anything juicy on me in there, really I’m just a pitiful loser by sounds of what I wrote haha.
For anyone who actually took the time to get to know a bit about me, thanks man. You are a cool cucumber, and I hope we stay friends forever, I need more people like you in my life.

  So yeah, I'm not really that different from a year ago, other than I tend to keep myself to myself even more so now.. and I'm a bit harder to get outside of the house too.
Love to you all! xx
Terri =(^.^)=

Wednesday, 14 March 2018

Bitty Post!!

  As promised I will also be doing some bitty posts and reviews inbetween now and Thursday when I post the next Mental Health post.


  Recently, and by that I mean the beginning of January.. I joined the gym.. Yeah, Terri who is very anti gym and spits in disgust whenever it's mentioned to her joined the GYM! Shocking I know but after baby number 3 I found an even bigger thing to hate about myself and it was this disgusting lump of body that stares me out in the mirror every morning when I'm getting ready for the day.

  I have put on a substantial amount of weight over the years, but I've never been this disgusted when I look at myself before so I took it upon myself to join the  gym, hoping to shed fast and keep it all off. I mean so far I've stayed at the exact same weight but because of various reasons and stuff I have only been a total of about 9 days since January... So  that might be the reason for  it ;)

  So I don't come across as this vain and self absorbed person I didn't JUST join the gym for the physical benefits but the mental benefits of it all too, because yes! Exercise does really help improve your moods when you're low and not feeling great.

  Now, it was devised that I would have 4 different work outs for different days of the week (I haven't even started it yet, it's always been oh, I'll do it tomorrow thing) But I'm back at the gym next week although the thought kind of scares the crap out of me... I'm going to work hard on me, because if I can't love myself who else can love me. So I'm running the same principle on my body, if I don't look at myself naked and want to sleep with me who else would? Right? I'm probably wrong but oh well. I usually  am, I'm at terms with this now.

  So for the interest of the few, My  work out routines as followed.

Workout A
50 Jumping Jacks
50 High Knees
25 Leg Raises
50 Second Plank
3 Sets of  20 Crunches
3 Sets  of 20 side crunches

Workout B
25 push ups
25 burpies
25 sit ups
25 lunges
3 Sets of  20 Crunches
3 Sets  of 20 side crunches

Workout C
50 Squats
50 Dips
25 Jump Lunges
25 Tuck Jumps
3 Sets of  20 Crunches
3 Sets  of 20 side crunches

Workout D
3 Sets of  20 Crunches
3 Sets  of 20 side crunches
x2

I alternate what days  I do what, and where my res t days will be etc... but I'm pretty sure for the first 2 months at least I'm going to be dead inside. For the greater good though right? So anyone fancy trying this out and letting me know how they get on with it? I'm incredibly unfit so I'm planning on dying after work out A haha.

Love to you all!! xxx

Terri  =(^.^)=
xoxo

Hi, I'm Terri.

  So we said this month that we're going to do Mental Health Awareness, I will be doing reviews and other nonsense in between as well, but I will aim to get out 1 mental health post per week until the end of March. Now so nobody feels singled out here I'm going to start it off with my answers to the same questions I have asked everyone else,
  I'm usually a pretty open person these days about my mental health issues because apparently it is supposed to help me feel more at ease with myself which in turn might help me start to like myself a little more each day.
  I won't change anybodies answers, I won't reword them or anything.. They will 100% be just as they have told me.

Here it goes with the questions then my friends.

1. Introduce yourself! Tell us about yourself and what you're into.

Hey, I'm Terri, I'm 26 years old and a mother to 3 awesome little guys. I like reading, writing, drawing, singing and playing video games (I've gotten pretty good at FPS now when I'm not agitated) Basically I like doing everything that means that I don't have to go outside and interact with people in public.

2. What's your mental health issue? Tell us about it.

I have BPD, which for those of you that don't understand that is a Borderline Personality Disorder, I have a few other problems too but we'll just highlight my BPD as my main one. To put it bluntly, most of my bpd means I suffer the inability to control my own emotions, sometimes I hallucinate, a lot of the time I hear things and voices (not sure if that is even related to my BPD, but it concerns me and my doctors so maybe it is - Might also be why I have to continue having tests done and stuff) Sometimes it means I can't function outside of the house, sometimes it means I can't even function inside the house. It affects my relationships and pretty much everything that I do in my life.

3. When did it start?

At first it was thought that I just had a severe case of Depression and this was from the age of about 11/12 I think. After many years of trial and error, tests and what not it was later discovered (when I was 22) that I in fact had BPD, at first they found that I had a personality disorder but couldn't pin point the exact kind then it was later revealed that it was BPD with manic episodes (akin to schitzophrenia episodes)

4. How do you feel being diagnosed?

Relieved, in a way it makes a lot of sense to me, being diagnosed has given me some closure as to the way I am, it makes more sense to me now. I'm not going to lie, I haven't fully digested the fact that I'm actually labelled something that can be life threatening to me if left untreated and unmanaged but, it gives me a slight bit of closure and means I have something I can focus on i.e, getting a better hold on my illness so that I can start to put my life back on track.

5. How does it affect your daily life?

As I said, sometimes it leaves me emotionless.. Numb shall we say, I can't do anything, I dont want to do anything, I lack motivation to get out of bed, to get dressed and do anything even as simple as drinking a cup of coffee.. If it wasn't for my partner on my very very bad days I would not only not get out of bed but I wouldn't drink or eat either. I am my own worst enemy. It affects the way I think and see the world and situations, I overreact, don't react enough.. I cry when I should laugh, I laugh when I should be scared/crying. I say the wrong thing, I get confused often and easily, I lose my train of thought often to, It messes with everything including my relationships. I constantly feel guilty towards everyone in my life because of the way I am, I am constantly suspicious of everything and everyone. A simple act of kindness and I will question it, I always think people are talking behind my back and will leave when it suits them. Pretty much it affects my whole life and everything that I do.

6. Are you treated differently because of it?

Most certainly, I know that people mean well mostly, but I do get treated like I'm a fragile flower, like I'm broken and need to be fixed.. I just don't know how I can express it more to people that I'm just different.

7. What advice would you give to someone suffering from the same thing or similar symptoms?

SEEK HELP! Literally if you think something is a miss with how you're acting, how you're feeling seek professional help, there is plenty of help out there. Don't see it as a weakness, you're not weak if anything you are a strong kickass person for battling with yourself daily and seeking help for it, because who's the worst enemy you could ever have.. yourself!

8. Do you know of any helpful groups?

It would be interesting if anyone knew of any online groups that I could actually be apart of, I used to have a group of people whom I saw regularly when I did group therapy, we came from all walks of life, different mental health issues and we were the top end of the 'crazies' so to speak meaning we had to be closely monitored... Unfortunately, they were all sectioned for their own safety, which honestly makes me worry about myself... but I would like to think I'm hanging on strong and will pull through to prove that mental health problems aren't always doom and gloom.

9. Future plans/goals?

Really it's more of a pipeline dream at the moment because of how crazily hectic my life is and head is, but I want to be an English teacher and teach abroad, I know it's probably impossible because I probably will never have enough of a hold on my emotions and everything to be able to handle tense situations that may arise whilst teaching... But just the thought of it keeps me going and gives me something to focus my energy towards. Goal wise is to get a better hold on my illness, understand it more and be kinder to myself, more forgiving.


Anyways, I hope you all enjoyed my little tale, it's sad but true for a lot of people suffering that they feel it is a weakness to ask for help but I can fully assure you, asking for help when you can no longer take it is not weakness but is in fact a great strength.

You're a strong individual but you just need someone to help you carry the weight whilst you rest, that's perfectly normal I promise you!

Love to you all! x

Terri =(^.^)=

"TUNE IN NEXT WEEK FOR THE NEW MENTAL HEALTH POST"

"WHILST YOU WAIT CHECK OUT MY REVIEWS AND OTHER RANDOM POSTS!"

Mental Health Month

This month I shall be doing Mental Health Awareness, now I will post a bit more of an in depth thing about my personal journey and I am hoping that 1 or 2 people might come forward with something different to what I have so we can cover more than just my mental illness but create an awareness for all kinds.

For obvious reasons I want to cover Mental Health as it plays such a big part in my life and my families life, it affects our daily lives and anyone and everyone surrounding us.

Now my aim for this blog is to A) be a lot more active B) be a lot more organised in what I do and write on here and C) Hopefully make some friends through blogging as we'll have a similar interest.

The post to follow this one will be the one of my personal journey, which I will do later and maybe post tonight or tomorrow morning. I hope that I do get some people interested in being guests on here with their stories, sort of like an insiders view on the illness as I'm just an outsider, and whereas yes I have come across a lot of people who have mental health issues, I could never truly understand what it's like just by looking in on it, so I wouldn't really feel comfortable putting my view across on it either.

Thanks a bunch guys.
Love to you all x

Terri =(^.^)=
xoxo

What an annoyance

So I did have another blog, with an absolute ton of posts about mental health the world and stuff, but I have no idea what I did to it, it broke and everything was deleted. TT

So I'm going to start from scratch again, why not ey? Can't do no harm to start again.

Start with an introduction shall we.
Hey, I am Terri. I'm in my twenties and suffer from Borderline Personality Disorder, I also have a severe case of anxiety, mild OCD, and some trouble controlling my limbs sometimes. (By this I mean sometimes my hands release things when I'm carrying them, I suffer major brain pains as I call them which is usually when it happens) I also have trouble with my joints and breathing (my left lung doesn't contract like it should do to take in enough oxygen)

Now we have the boring introduction out of the way shall we delve into a typical day for me? I imagine it might be pretty similar to some other peoples days too.
 First thing in the morning when I'm supposed to wake up straight away I have to have words with myself to lift my head off the pillow, to put that sock on, to pull those jeans on and just get on with it. When I wake up my brain kicks into overdrive, tells me what could go wrong, in fact, everything that WILL go wrong today, it tells me I'm a worthless piece of shit and why do I even bother to exist. Sometimes I can wake up and I feel great and I enjoy the day ahead, it's not very often but sometimes it does happen. Basically, when I wake up it's like a scratchcard, either I'm going to have a fucking awesome day or I'm going to have a dreadful day. Sometimes I can't even manage to get out of bed, that's how bad it gets for me sometimes and pretty much 9/10 times in the day there are suicidal thoughts going through my head, even if I'm doing something that I like or enjoy. It's just how I'm wired, sometimes you might find me sat in a corner tapping the wall and talking to 'someone' who I 100% believe at the time is there. I won't fully delve into me, because what would be the point of a WHOLE blog haha, so tune back and we'll touch on different things. :3

Love to you all :3

Terri =(^.^)=